Hi…I’m brand new to this Reddit community as well as to polyamory. I’m asking upfront for grace and not to be criticized—I’m so new to all of this.

In August I started a friendship with a polyamorous man. We are now dating. He’s a hinge—I genuinely like my metamour though I’ve not formally met her. We say “hi” to each through him a lot and we’re discussing plans for us to meet. She lives out of state and he and I live an hour away from each other. Neither of us want to move in together or get married—we are both solo polyamorous, I guess. My metamour is married with kids.

When I first met him, I wanted to understand. So I’ve been reading a lot of poly literature, I’m in Facebook groups, connected to social media accounts, etc. At this point I grasp it its basic concepts & I agree with it. It makes sense to me and I like it. However, I’ve been raised my whole life, and only experienced relationships, in society’s “acceptable” monogamous way of life. I literally have no one but him in my life to talk to about any of this and while he’s being so patient and supportive, I don’t feel like its fair of me or a good idea for our relationship to keep running to him with my questions and feelings. I know I can talk to him about anything—he’s the most communicative person I’ve ever met. I just feel like I’m being overwhelming and I need other people to reach out to. But I don’t have anyone—I’m THISCLOSE to ending an 8 year close friendship with a woman because she gets so negative, judge-y, and combative when I bring it up. She thinks polyamory is “dating around,” and no matter what I say she doesn’t get that’s not what it is. It’s certainly not MY situation.

Here’s what I’m struggling with: he and I are at the beginning stages. Right? We’re still getting to know each other. He really likes me, and the more he gets to know me the more he likes me. He deeply cares about me. I feel the exact same about him. But I want to go DEEPER. And I feel like he’s holding back. He’s put some limits on us because he made a promise to himself in January to abstain from intercourse and really work on himself before getting dating again. He’s ready to date again (obviously) but he’s keeping the intercourse abstaining promise til January 2025. And that’s fine, I totally respect that.

He knows all my secrets, I know he’s been emotionally vulnerable with me and told me a lot about his past, as well as things that are still sources of pain for him. But I want to emotionally go deeper…I don’t know if I’m explaining this well.

One thing he keeps saying to me is “hang on loosely” but don’t let go (I know its a dumb song, but he says it best encapsulates what’s going on, and he’s given me the analogy that love is like a pie—there is plenty of pie for everyone).

I’m getting really frustrated though because…it’s not jealousy. I like my metamour, I’m fully aware he’s going to possibly date someone else at some point and I’ll know about that person. This is him-and-me struggle, mostly me I guess. Is it the monogamous upbringing? Is that what it is? How does an intensely emotional person hang on loosely? Is there a trick.

I don’t know. I’m reaching out because I don’t have anyone else to talk to about it all. I am starting therapy this week with a polyamory-informed therapist. This isn’t the only reason I’m going back into therapy—I’ve got some real non-polyamory issues I need to work on—but this is one.

Sorry for how long this was.