Greetings all. Maybe not so boring? Buckle up in case.

First of all, I'm not necessarily looking for any advice, to which I know people will invariably want to offer with kind and well-intentions. I suppose I'm sharing this post as an outlet to serve as a pressure-relief and non-consensually (joking) use you, the viewers as a sounding board. This next line isn't intended to be anything like a pity-party but I simply have no one in my life that I am close with who I can speak to about any of this and be met with a level of compassion and understanding.

I'll attempt to be expedient in context and background as transparent and as vulnerable as I can possibly be. Myself (40m) and my girlfriend (34f, we'll call her Leah) have found ourselves in an otherwise wonderful loving relationship. My girlfriend is married (we'll call him John 37m) and we all live together. We are all high level professionals in our respective fields and take our careers seriously. We are in the closet about our V in the outside world. Only very close friends who are also in the poly or kink community have limited knowledge.

I have a good relationship with John, we workout together, I train him (and her), meal prep, etc.. We do lots of everyday vanilla life things and make many decisions together, either all of us or him and I. John and I are friends. At least I consider him as such. Our sleeping situation isn't completely equal or ideal to me but I make do. She spends the lions share of nights in a week with John. I have a single night with her during the week which is short-lived. This is not necessarily what she wants either but it is what she can get at this time. Our sex situation is more convoluted (big surprise). We'll get to that in a moment below.

To give more imperative context, John and Leah are polyamorous. I am not, romantically I am monogamous minded, however before meeting and starting a relationship with Leah - I've played in the swinger/group sex space. We are all in the local community kink space. I've been rigging for shibari for a time and John has been learning from me though he has no real interest in it beyond for sex-play in the bedroom. John has another partner (Jennifer) who lives out-of-state who he sees frequently, it is someone from his past and he's been encouraged to pursue this relationship with Jennifer by Leah. Leah and Jennifer have only met briefly one time before. John and Jennifer's relationship is very sexual. Leah has other partners besides myself who are local to us but generally does not have enough time to see them and has been pouring all of what little free time she does have between John and I.

Any other partners she has have had been limited to oral-sex or non-sexual activity. Leah and John have been trying for children. John would prefer if Leah would be open to having piv sex with myself or other partners if she chooses but at the end of genetic testing and abortion. Leah chooses that any piv sex is with John only. She rather not deal with the emotions and all of the baggage that would come with risking pregnancy with someone who isn't John, testing, and having to abort if it is not John's baby. I do not blame her. Leah has recently as of last week offered that I could be the exception to the no-piv sex rule but to me that is a level of control and power that I feel uncomfortable wielding, in spite of how much I'd love and want to share that level of sexual experience with her. It's far more than wanting to have some raunchy kinky sex with her. I very much want love-making. This extends to a physical problem I've always had with experiencing sexual pleasure in form of release with every sexual partner (incl group exp) I've had in the past - it's self-masturbation or missionary without a condom.

Anything else and there is no potential or prior history for release, which leaves what enjoyment I require very limited by no fault of anyone. No amount of oral or hj's do anything for me physically or mentally, insofar that I strongly feel as if I'd rather just be doing something else non-sexually instead with that time. Leah and I have otherwise played around this and in the D/s space, with elements of us both being switchy on occasion. When it comes to the sex itself that has predominantly been giving her oral and finishing off with me masturbating and her using a vibrator. Routine and limited. Another note-worthy addition is that truly the only time Leah and I can even do anything sexual is when we can make time to not at home and go elsewhere (which is next to impossible) or when John is on a trip to see Jennifer. So on average, twice a month. John has no such restriction to when or where they have sex.

Are we having fun yet? Let's go further. Over this summer, Leah and I took a trip to Europe. John could not join right away but eventually flew out when he could. A small part of the trip was minor work related for both of them at different points. Majority was travel and adventure for sake of. It was my first time going anywhere abroad. We found ourselves exploring group sex together towards the end of the trip, however in it's very limited capacity due to the above pregnancy constraint. It was both John & Leah's first time in a group setting. This was nothing I prompted, angled or asked for. It was something Leah wanted and that John gave into reluctantly and really only for her benefit. Ultimately, the sex we had turned out to be John and Leah having sex with me assisting in some small and insignificant way - not at all like prior group sex/threesomes I've had in the past. It was not an enjoyable experience for me. Despite lack of intent, it felt very much like cuckolding to me in which I have a great deal of shame around and it is absolutely not something I wish to experience in any form. They both know this.

Upon us returning to the States, Leah wanted to try group sex with John and I again. It was a mirrored experience from Europe. Very limited involvement and general lack of inclusion on my end. Another shameful experience that I regret saying yes to. As the months have passed since then, we have not had any more group involvement. We will all cuddle together on the couch while watching a show on the rarer occasions we can find time to jointly mingle in the evening but that's as close as I've allowed myself to be in a physical space. As well, as the months have passed by, John has gone to see Jennifer on several occasions. John has made plans to bring Leah to see Jennifer in October for the express purpose to have a threesome with them. Leah is not interested in doing so but feels compelled to out of respect to give John what he wants.

This has left me with a great deal of discomfort and jealousy that I have not been able to reconcile. In general, I feel far more sex-negative than I ever have. The idea of all of this is repulsive to me in moments when the weight of all of this strikes me. I feel even more turned-off by the idea of group sex in general with myself included in it. Given this, John and Leah have wanted to plan a trip with Jennifer and I in December. The premise being group sex for all of us. I have such a disinterest in going unless it turns out to be a G-rated trip with the three of them. Leah has been made aware of my sensitivities and believes that's possible. I have my strong doubts, especially after John is ultimately given what he wants in October. I believe I can say with certainty he will want another group experience with the two of them in December to my exclusion or maybe to my historically relevant very limited inclusion, which leaves me questioning why be there at all? That'd be purposely exposing myself to a situation and discomfort that I do not want to be impressed upon and certainly do not find it healthy to do so under some misguided idea that this is what "growth" looks like. Controlling one's environment and all of that.

Last night I expressed much if not all of everything I've been dealing with around this to Leah. It's come out in small amounts leading up to last night, but I hadn't had enough time and space to really sit & sift through these complex thoughts. We talked in circles but in no uncertain terms indicated to her that I do not feel comfortable at all with her exploring group sex, certainly to my exclusion and that while I cannot and don't seek to put a stop to her and John's trip to see Jennifer in October, that I believe I require some space away to work through the large discrepancy of sexual (and to degree emotional) availability that I have from and with her. She doesn't think that what I'm asking for is fair. She feels as if that's abandonment and she believes that I can and should work through any and all discomfort that gives her freedom to explore without me post-October.

I am deeply in-love with Leah but I strongly feel as if this all is a compromise I cannot make and I don't believe that I'm being unfair in what I'm asking for as per our conversation last night: if she wishes to explore group play further, to include me and to do so in a meaningful way, certainly one that takes my considerations into account or to forego exploring group play altogether to trade those potential experiences for the stability and predictability that I want and need out of a relationship. I believe the former is a fairer and easier compromise even though I'd prefer the latter, not out of sake of controlling someone else for controls sake, but going back to controlling one's environment.

I'm certain that there will be many who read this and will immediately point out some-such that no one is responsible for how any one else feels, but we all know that isn't true. Our actions do have direct consequences and impact on others. What someone isn't responsible for is the response. That's all.

Please try to avoid any "you're not compatible" flyby comments or otherwise indicate what I *should* do eluding to pressing the eject button. That's not very helpful or insightful. If that's immediately where your mind goes after reading this, I kindly ask that you refrain from commenting and PM me instead if you feel inclined. As honored and humbled as I am that she would make an exception for me with regards to piv, I reiterate that that's not an easy decision to make nor does it actually address the scarcity of what I believe I'm feeling in all of this. I'm looking to improve this relationship, not throw it in the trash but again the primary purpose for posting this is my outlet for venting into the ether, not inherently advice seeking. I'd like to add in the close that while the discussion of sex is on a loud volume through this post, that's not where the emphasis or value of the relationship for either of us exists - it is however a significant component in which the inequity of it has caused distress - especially having come from a previous monogamous LTR with someone who was largely not interested in sex of any kind at any time before entering this relationship with Leah. The scarcity experienced has been enveloping for years.