I posted here a few times, but I was anxious and deleted my posts. I want to say thank you to the commenters who mentioned that perhaps I should step back, dial back my expectations, and truly evaluate myself and my role in the person I love’s life.

My secondary (Maple) and I have decided, after much consideration and reflection, that this isn’t sustainable for us any longer. I could go into it, but to summarize: we just aren’t able to commit the same level of effort in this, and continuing it will only cause resentment and frustration. Maple is going through some massive transitions, something she was honest with from the start, and while it started out strong - she is dealing with too much to have an actual relationship.

I have made peace with this conclusion. I felt the emotional distance between us becoming further as time went on. There were a number of events and things that caused this little by little, but it felt like we were both dancing around the fact that it wasn’t working. Maple was trying very hard to maintain that same energy we once had, but I could tell that it was hurting her more than anything, and she felt disappointed that she continued to fall short. I felt like she was talking and spending time with me out of obligation.

We decided together, after many long, honest, bittersweet conversations that this just isn’t the right time for us. Maple told me that she doesn’t want to completely lose me, but she doesn’t want to leave me hanging, either. And I didn’t want to be in a position where I had to put aside my own needs just because I was afraid of losing her. My anxious attachment style was suffocating the both of us, and I knew that this was equally as difficult and heartbreaking for the both us — to want it to work so bad but feeling like there’s a disconnect.

At the same time, the love, respect, and compassion we have for each other is so palpable. And that won’t go away with distance or time. We are each other’s first sapphic love, which is equally as beautiful and magical as it is challenging. We don’t feel like this is an unhealthy grip where we’re just stalling and delaying the inevitable. I want to take a step back and return to this slowly, and I’m really excited to see how we grow. I am excited that we’ll reconnect in time, and we’ll pick off where we left off. She has expressed immense excitement too, as she wants to be a figure in my life, but in order to grow, we have to reevaluate things.

In the past, I might have taken this as a death sentence, but I’ve decided that to love sometimes means letting go. I can only grow from this. I want the best for Maple, as she is a genuinely beautiful human being, and I know she feels the same for me. I only want to see her grow and thrive, and if me stepping back means she can do that, it’s all I can do. I need to take some time to reflect on myself and my own faults, as well. I realized that I did become too wrapped up, neglected myself, and became a version of myself I did not want to. I realize I need to fill my life with more, instead of becoming so consumed by this relationship.

While we’re still defining what a de-escalation means, I made sure to make it clear that I don’t wish for a slow fade or a cop-out with de-escalating. In our conversations, I’ve never felt Maple was playing me or stringing me along. She has made so much room for me in her life, making significant milestones together — and she thought she had space and emotional energy to fully give when we first started dating, but as time has gone on, she’s become a bit exhausted. That exhaustion has caused a lack of effort, which has caused me a lot of pain and panic, and all of that push-pull is deeply harming our relationship. I think we both got so excited and swept up, that we forgot to check-in more and truly make sure we’re able to maintain this emotionally. She drifted, afraid to hurt me, and I clung on. That is not the kind of thing we want out of this.

We both decided that while we do want some sort of presence in each other’s lives, we can’t both get what we want out of the structure we had before. We won’t be seeing each other as much, and our contact will be limited until things can cool down. We’re planning on reconvening next week to discuss what our boundaries are moving forward. She told me last night that she loves me very much, and she has never felt the genuine, caring, and supportive love I give her. Sometimes being supportive means knowing when to step back.

While I know this is a gradual process, and something that will take time, I feel better. Lighter. Relieved for the both of us. Our intentions and love for each other are defined and clarified, and I don’t feel I’m doing myself a disservice. I see this as a growing opportunity, and if even if Maple and I have a comet-type connection moving forward, I am grateful for the experience and opportunity to have a connection like this. I am proud of myself, and if things don’t work out, at least I can say I took a lesson out of it and genuinely decided to work on myself, not just for Maple and future connections, but ultimately, for me.