I made a previous post here. I appreciated the replies on that post. We did have a long conversation about a conflict listed in this post, and it turned out to be a miscommunication on her end. but I feel like I need to vent more and include more details.

For context: I am a woman. I have an NP as well. NP works a lot, and we don't have a ton of quality time. I do have a lot of things in my life to keep me busy, but I feel like I am getting so wrapped up lately.

My secondary is a very busy woman. She balances a full time job, school, and motherhood. I am very thankful to be included in her life. From the start, she's been very adamant on sticking to routines for the sake of her child, and she was very communicative when we first began hanging out about how she has limited time. She is co-parenting with her ex, and due to his work schedule, she doesn't always have free time during the day.

As a result, many of our dates in the past were held at night. Slowly, we've been able to sprinkle in day time dates, and I've even met and spent time with her daughter. We talk on the phone often, as well, to make up for lost physical time. We live about 45 minutes away from each other. Since we both live with other people, we don't get too much alone time, but there have been some rare opportunities where ex is out of town or her daughter is accounted for.

However, there's been a bit of a rift between us now that she is casually dating men. She is new to having multiple relationships at once, so I have been trying to give her grace, but I feel like there's a disconnect, and we can't seem to reach a mutual understanding. I'll try to list off some things we've been struggling with:

• I don't get a lot of day time with her. So I have been feeling a bit jealous of that today, when she scheduled an entire day with a new connection. She and I are seeing each other tonight, but it will be a bit late, and so our time is limited. I did not know until this morning that she would be in my city on this date, so I felt a bit salty. I am having a hard time balancing the fact that I do want my partner to have autonomy and freedom, but I'd like to be considered, too. I put a false expectation on it, though, expecting her to come by after her date -- when apparently it's something that's going to last all day. I felt hurt, because if the tables were turned, I'd cut a date short just for a small window to see her. She said she'd never expect me to do that, and she reminded me that she never explicitly stated she could see me in the daytime today, so I will take the blame for getting my hopes up. I felt upset that I did not get offered the opportunity to spend the day with her, but I'll acknowledge it may not have been an option for her to have a nightly hangout with this new connection. We had a heated discussion about it this morning, and she just didn't seem to understand where I was coming from. I just want to be considered in some of her plans. My insecurities still scream: why didn't I get to jump on this rare chance to spend all day with her, when I barely get that opportunity?
  • When I mentioned I was feeling a bit of FOMO that they got to spend time together during the day, I then suggested we have a beach day tomorrow, since she'll be free. She agreed, so I will say I am trying to advocate for more opportunities for time together, too.
• She is a poor planner, and she's admitted it. I told her that it's okay to take those mistakes as learning opportunities, but she has to adjust moving forward. She says she's worried she won't be able to fulfill my needs, and she's worried that she's disappointing me when a conflict arises such as this. She has a lot of difficulty with emotional regulation, and she can often get defensive if she feels she has hurt me or wronged me -- something I have experience with, as I used to be pretty terrible with that. I've been gently trying to remind her that it's difficult to solve something together when she immediately gets defensive. She said she felt like a shitty girlfriend today, and she should've planned better, but she feels she can't meet my expectations.
• Our communication needs work. Either of us don't know how to articulate properly, and sometimes I feel like she just isn't getting what I am saying -- not listening to understand, but listening to react. We both immediately freeze up, or there's been times where she instantly starts crying, gets defensive, and starts using deprecating language towards herself... It's been a lot.... and since we're both very similar in trauma related issues, we recognize why this happens and we do try our very best to be gentle with each other when communicating.
• I don't know how to feel when she moves things she previously wouldn't budge on for other people. For example, she has said in the past she doesn't want to miss her daughter's bedtime, but it makes doing fun things at night very difficult. I've noticed a few times she's left her house before bedtime for a date, but when I have asked for that, it seems to be a "I'll try" kind of thing. We never really have chances to hang on weeknights, but she's said before she would facilitate those since I am actively around her daughter. My schedule is very open, and I've made that known, but I have noticed a few times she's hung out with new partners on weeknights. There have been times we have spent all day together, and she has expressed wanting to stay longer. She has every opportunity to call her ex and ask him to handle bedtime, but she has instead went home before her daughter's bedtime and it cuts our time short... She never sleeps over, and she instead stays at my house until 4am, which is kind of a silly situation, but I respect that she wants to see her daughter in the mornings.
• Her energy has been off lately, and I get it -- she balances A LOT. But I worry that even a casual partner is adding too much to her plate. I worry I will be neglected, forgotten, and left behind. Her texting habits have changed, which are due to a number of things, but my brain tells me she doesn't want to talk to me and is more excited to hang out with her new connections. I will admit she has told me I can call anytime and she isn't always the best at texting (something she has said from the beginning), but when the long texts become short, and hours go by when she used to reply quickly, it gets to me. I do call her even if I worry I am bothering her, and we always have a nice conversation to reconnect.

I will say I don't think any of this is ill intent. She has ADHD, and she's never managed multiple relationships at once. We've had many conversations where I have asked if she can handle that and still dedicate time for me. I am fine with seeing her once a week, but I feel that if there's an opportunity to spend the day together, I should at least be asked before she makes plans. She has been awesome with making reconnection rituals with me thus far, calling me before and after her dates just to say hi. It's made me feel really good.

I also have to remember that I am welcome in many parts of her life that these new connections aren't. I am sleeping over her house next weekend with her daughter, and she moved plans that weekend so we could have more time together.

She has constantly assured me that she loves me, she loves spending time with me, and she isn't going to let outside connections get in the way -- but I've just been struggling with these changes lately. She is aware of this, and she's made it known that she's trying to make sure everyone is happy. She's also acknowledged that juggling this is a bit tiring, and she wants more of a casual thing with men.

I am not perfect, and I know my mindset can be skewed, because I too have trouble articulating my feelings and communicating properly. I can set up assumptions without clarifying. I understand that part of polyamory is allowing your person freedom, autonomy, and independence. I don't want to be the only thing she revolves around. I know that she is also learning how to juggle all this, so I am giving her grace -- but any time we have conversations about this, it doesn't seem like I am understood as to why I am upset. It's not because she's dating others; it's just the fact that lately there seems to be more leeway given to these new people, and not her established partner. She has several poly friends, and I have given her books to read, so she does have some resources to access, so there's no excuse for being uneducated in some sense.

I don't know what needs to happen. Whenever we do hang out, I am happy, but I feel sad that I don't get as much time lately. Her ex is moving out soon, so I will have more opportunities to see her in the future, but it's still a bit of a struggle for me moving forward. Part of me feels like I should just step back, as I do tend to focus a lot on my negative emotions and it takes up a lot of our interactions lately. I am not good with tabling conflict, and I know it can be stressful for my partners to deal with when I am bad at self-soothing... But we can't seem to have a calm discussion about all of this, and it feels like this lingering conflict is always around.

Do we just need to have more conversations? How do we both find a balance? Do I just know too much about her dates? Are my expectations unrealistic? Should I just accept the fact that she is trying, and she can only promise me once-a-week hangouts? How do I advocate for my own needs while also honoring her busy life, without enabling her? Why do I feel like I should just cut my losses?

I am hoping that these are just growing pains and we can work on it together, but I am trying to just pause the conversation for a bit.

I just wanted to rant and see what everyone thinks. I am not sure if I am the one who's being unreasonable, if she's just a poor planner, or if our relationship needs restructuring/has run its course.