Myself M (28F) and my wife J (29F) have been together for 7 years, married for 3.5 years. We first decided to open our relationship last summer (2023) and invited someone in as a throuple situation. I was quite hesitant towards any version of polyamory, but J reassured me very frequently that we could take things as slow as we needed and that she loved and respected me no matter what.

This relationship lasted 6 months and took quite a big toll on our marriage. Our partner definitely gravitated towards J sexually, and this caused a lot of insecurity for me. When that relationship ended, we took a bit of a break on poly to focus on rebuilding our marriage. J said she did not think she would ever want to date someone together again, but dating separately felt very uneasy for me.

In May on this year we met someone D (30F) who we were both very attached too, but J and D had a physical connection first (just kissing). That night I felt a bit uncomfortable by the way D was speaking to me, she was very dismissive and made me feel very insecure. I told J how I felt about this the next day and she told me to give her another chance because she was really drunk that night and we knew a lot of mutual friends of hers.

3 weeks later we were out for an event and saw D. That night we all ended up kissing and she spent the night at our house, nothing sexual happened just a lot of kissing and talking. We then ended up seeing her a lot more frequently and we would do all nighters staying up talking because we all had what seemed like a nice connection. There was a little bit of messing around/teasing (all together) but at this point we still had not all been intimate.

The first night we went on an official date J and D went to the bathroom together and had an intimate moment (this is a boundary J and I had set, we agreed during our previous relationship that no one would go to the bathroom/be sexual independently when we were all out together) I was not told this happened. I found out the next day when I opened our shared iPad to do some work and text popped up on the screen saying “I miss being inside you” followed by a lot of other texts along the lines of, “I only want this with you”, “I don’t want to share you”, “let’s run away together”.

These messages made me feel AWFUL, and I confronted both of them about it. J apologized profusely and said it didn’t mean anything, and D called me and also apologized, she said “I was very drunk and said things I didn’t mean, I really like you and like the connection we are building, I want to continue getting to know you if you are still interested”.

Though I was hurt, I agreed to continue and we scheduled individual dates with her as she said she wanted to spend 1:1 time with each of us. On that date we kissed a lot and fooled around a little bit in the bathroom (this was okay because my wife was not present) on this date D reassured me that she was so happy we spent alone time together and she really felt our connection growing.

D and J then went on a date the next night and they also had a nice time. At this point we started to spend a lot of time the three of us and always had a really good time. It was not until about a 3 weeks into spending a lot of time together that we were all intimate together for the first time.

The day after we were intimate for the first time, D told me she was not feeling our individual connection as much and wanted to pursue things with only J individually and casually as the three of us when it felt right. This made me feel really uncomfortable because I was not necessarily ready to be dating separately, and I was feeling sad/rejected because I felt our connection was building and I opened myself up to her sexually.

After this I asked J if we would take a pause to figure out how we were going to move forward. She said to me that she didn’t want to stop her connection with D because it was really strong and she really likes her. At this point J and I were having a really hard time, we were arguing a lot, I did not feel like I was a priority for her, and we were not very intimate individually, even when we were it felt very disconnected and majority of the time she did not pleasure me at all.

We are now to the point where the two of them are completely infatuated with each other - 2 months in already saying they are in love with each other, and progressing rather quickly in every department.

D mentioned when we first met her that she is NOT poly but is okay with our dynamic because she is choosing to enter it. That has become more of an issue because the two of them are now acting very monogamous, and D is very possessive. She is also very into kink play and leaves marks and bruises all over J which I have mentioned makes me feel really uncomfortable. J and D have a lot of rules with each other, they are not allowed to kiss other people (except for me) and if one catches the other even flirting they get very upset with each other. J and I have always kissed our friends and been very trusting and open so this has changed our dynamic with our friends as well. D told me she views me as one of her best friends and that she still wants to spend time with me so we do spend a lot of time the three of us but this has become more and more difficult because the two of them are ALL OVER each other even when I am there. D will wrap her arms around J in a very intense way and makeout with her right in front of my face which is really hard to watch.

Last weekend was a breaking point for me, a large group of our friends were going an hour away for an event so we all got an airbnb together, J and I had a room and D was sharing a room with her roommate. I was feeling uneasy about this trip but I went anyways, I had reiterated the boundary of not going off in rooms or behind closed doors together to J prior to us going and I asked if when it was time to go to bed J would join me and spend the night sleeping next to me. Both of these boundaries were agreed upon. Once everyone started drinking it felt like the boundaries went completely out the window. At one point the two of them went missing for 20 minutes and I found them in the hallway. I ask J kindly not to do this again because it made me feel really terrible.

I knew I was going to have to go to sleep a little earlier than everyone else because I was the one driving back in the morning and needed to get at least a little bit of sleep. I pushed myself until 6am and started to say “I think im going to need to go to sleep soon” by 6:30am J still hadn’t gotten up to go to bed with me and even cracked open another drink. At 7am I was to the point of being very frustrated and said “I really need to go to bed, can you please come to bed with me like we agreed on” J got SO upset with me and said she wasn’t ready to go to sleep yet and wanted to stay up with D. The tension in the room made me feel so uncomfortable, and I started crying because I didn’t think this was something we were going to have to deal with because we had talked about that boundary well ahead of time.

J finally came to bed with me and just immediately turned the other way and wouldn’t speak to me. In the morning, there was so much tension, and I asked if she was going to say anything to me. She said “I don’t think I have anything to apologize for, I didn’t want to go to bed yet and you made me”

After weeks of making me feel so insecure and not a priority I snapped and told J that I was done. I packed a bag and went to visit my sister across the country for a week. A few days later I told J that I did not want to make any final decisions before we were able to have a serious conversation. The entire week I was gone J and I barely spoke and she spent at least 4 nights with D.

I am not flying home, expected to land tomorrow morning at 8 am. I told J that I was getting home at that time and she said “Okay I will see you to talk tomorrow, but I will not be home when you get there” she is spending the night a D’s house AGAIN. I don’t know what to do at this point, I know I am new to Polyamory, but this seems like I am just blatantly being disrespected.

Any advice or input is helpful.