Hi everyone,

I'm not sure if I'm bringing a question, I might just need a space to process some events.

My primary partner (A) and I had been romantically monogamous and sexually open until last November when we both started dating another couple (Z&D; I'm dating Z & A is dating D). A, Z & D have said they want to be closed poly. This is not something I want but it hasn't been an issue as there's not been anyone else I've wanted to date.

A few weeks ago I started hanging out with a friend (W). She's really cute and smart and I definitely have a crush on her. I asked her if she wanted to explore physical intimacy together and she said yes. I assumed this would be OK because I had checked with A who had consented (proving there wasn't any romance) and also it had been agreed since the start of my relationship with A that friends with benefits are OK.

Me and W have been having some cute chats and making plans to hang out. Then recently I was talking with A about what my connection with W would look like and she expressed discomfort about not just the possibility of a FWB connection sliding towards romance but the very idea of FWB at all. Through talking I learned that she thinks of FWBs as people who hookup who are friendly with each other, rather than friends who have physical /sexual connection.

I spoke with W on the phone today to tell her that A is anxious about the FWB situation sliding to romance and said I'd like to keep things platonic for now. She was very understanding but I felt pretty crap about it. Then later she sent a text saying her feelings about it are developing and she'll want to talk more and so I imagine she's feeling hurt by this.

I've spoken with A about whether there is any agreement we could come to where I could have a FWB connection with W, if there's anything she needs in order for that to be doable, but she's said she can't think about that right now.

I'm feeling quite guilty at the impact this could have on W and a bit frustrated with A that something I thought was on the table actually isn't.
I understand that we learn as we go along and we can't know what our boundaries are until something happens which pushes against them, but it still feels crap.

So yeah no specific query, mostly needed to vent, but any reflections people have would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
S <3