TW: Cancer

My AP, Gengar (like the pokemon, 33M) and I (35F) currently live 5 hours apart, in separate (US) states. We meet up once or twice a month for a long weekend (or week) at each other's places.

My lease is up in the middle of next month, and the plan for months has been for me to move to Gengar's city so we can live closer together. I'm applying for apartments in his city.

However, I learned last week that my mom has cancer. She's getting a biopsy next week to figure out what it is and what her options are. I'm scared, because it doesn't seem like they caught it early - scans showed cancer in 4 different places. I've told my parents that I want to help out how I can. My stepdad's family is quite local to them; my mom's side is all minimum 2 hours' drive away.

Currently I live 30 minutes from my parents. Once I move, I'll be 5.5 hours away. Even though I can work remote, if I commute back and forth to help out on a regular basis, I will burn out emotionally and financially. I can only live out of a suitcase for so long.

Neither Gengar nor I have other partners, but he's actively dating, and I have no capacity for other partners. Since I have been planning to move for so long, I started to drop out of the poly communities (mostly facebook) in my area because I didn't want to make connections that I couldn't maintain. I can have that "stray cat attachment style" at times - I lose contact for a bit and then come back.

Gengar has so far been great since I told him about my mom. He dropped everything to drive up and spend last week with me when I told him the news, and that was really kind of him to do. But I can't expect him to do that - and don't want him to feel like he has to do that - all the time. He's got a whole life of his own, too. I know that my support system in general is less than ideal, and am working on it. I have a couple good friends in the Poly/ENM sphere who have busy lives. I also have a long-term therapist (not poly-trained but open to helping me), and I'm going to a new member meeting for a friends/family cancer support group to see if it's for me.

Now I'm at a crossroads - If I move, I'll feel the need to commute a lot to keep up with my mom, regardless of whatever her treatment plan is; if I stay, then Gengar and I are going to keep on with the LDR, and I'll have to quickly find a new place to live. Either way I don't think I'll have much emotional/time/financial capacity for anything more than platonic friendship.

I know if Gengar starts dating someone regularly, NRE will pop up, and I don't want to be a wet blanket at him about that. I know I will need support, but I also don't want to join poly groups and be a wet blanket to the people there. I also hate that I'm pre-grieving, on top of trying to figure out my immediate future.

Does anyone have any experience in a situation like this? How did you and your partner/s work through it? What can I do for Gengar if I stay, and how can I ask to be supported by him if I move? If things get bad-bad (like "mom's not going to make it" bad) what's a healthy limit on communication, especially when Gengar's out with others?

edit: mentioned how often we see each other right now.