So I've been actively practicing polyam for over 7 years now and currently have 3 partners. 2 are in an ethically-formed triad and the other is a man I date separately. The issue I currently have is actually with him vs. the triad... 😅

He and I used to be co-workers and have a long history together. We pretty much had instant chemistry and feelings, but I was married and mono at the time so it never fully escalated then. Once I left my marriage, which was also very abusive and toxic at the end, I had a lot of issues to address. I was also honestly fearful of hurting my boyfriend so I said some hurtful, untrue things to basically push him away. I've owned up to those and he's fully forgiven me. He was also adamantly against polyam, which I knew wasn't going to work for me, so we just remained friends for years after the divorce.

I'm the meantime, he got together with and married another long-term female friend of his. Not something I was/am angry about, though I did feel a bit sad attending the wedding. I considered that was the end of everything between us romantically and closed that part of myself down for the sake of friendship.

One day, my boyfriend asked if I had some time available to talk and get advice from. I gladly gave him my ear, only to have him asking about sexual identities and polyam. His new wife apparently had been deep in introspection and discovered that she was not only demisexual but polyam as well.

I'm discussing things about her (praising that he facilitated her thoughts and feelings), we ended up rekindling our romantic spark. Things moved pretty quickly, as by this time, we'd been friends for about 6 years.

Overall the idea of everything between us has been pretty positive. I enjoy our relationship when we do see each other. Perhaps that's where some of the problem lies, though, as we're doing long-distance and are 5 hours apart. He still works full-time, whereas I'm disabled due to several illnesses.

Admittedly too, our lives are very full without one another.

I'm chronically ill, so my health is often up in the air; one day I can be fine and the next, I'm feverish, vomiting, in pain, etc. I nest with one of my triad partners and together we make frequent trips to see our shared partner (she's only about an hour from us so the LDR dynamic isn't as difficult). I'm an avid gamer and own a variety of pets that are often distracting in the best ways, but obviously keep me from maintaining regular contact.

He is a store manager between a couple of retail stores. He has a wife (already noted); she brought along 3 kids from a prior relationship (2 of which have graduated since we got together); and he has a teenage daughter (her mom has majority custody but my boyfriend has regular contact). His wife has A LOT of community ties so she's usually got him helping her with something involving that. She also has a boyfriend that has had a lot of ups and downs since we got together as well, and my boyfriend is often helping his wife help him. His wife had several health scares, some major and some more minor. Add in car issues, house shopping/buying, his wife job hopping, and just life's little bullshits, and well, contact is often limited unless we're both up late.

Again, none of this on the surface is bad. What has been happening, however, compiles with this stuff.

My boyfriend has admitted to me that his wife is often not in any sort of sexual mood. This comes after not only her coming out as demi, but also after they had been pretty active prior to the marriage. Whatever the reason it changed, however, ended up being pushed on me and now I'm my boyfriend's only sexual outlet. I've discussed how this feels, as well as suggested he seek maybe someone local for that, but other than less frequent conversation prompts, not much has changed.

Also, for all those health scares his wife went through, I attempted to reach out and help support my boyfriend. This is also after me suggesting quality time activities (like gaming) to do together. Both get discussed then and there but nothing past that. Then it's usually minimal or no contact until he talks football (a shared interest) or if he's in the mood. I've also been reeling back anything on my mind for the sake of him/his stress.

We've now been together for going on 3 years and I still can count on one hand how many times we've met up. All of the times have been to see him and most of them, on my or my partners' dime. I do have the more reliable vehicle and flexible schedule; however, this is another thing that admittedly has cut me pretty deep over time.

We were planning on meeting up when I hear once again that my meta is struggling with her health and job. Now that they have a house payment too, I'm already starting to bet that this trip isn't happening. I should also mention this was/is supposed to be my Christmas present so once again, a partner is footing a lot of the bill.

And sure enough, today I get the message: "My wife lost her job..."

I feel kinda stupid even hoping this was going to pan out. She was on a strict supervisory period and ended up having another surgery. Again, not her fault, but it was definitely expected.

At this point, I'm at a loss. I care about and love my boyfriend, but a lot of the glimmer, hope, excitement, really even basic joy at this point for us is pretty much gone. I don't blame my meta for her health issues, but I am feeling bitter about how much he'll prioritize her over me. Again, I get that's inherent with some of the stuff, but I'm kinda fed up with hearing about her and nothing but a sad, horny man having to finish himself off in my inbox.

I am pretty pissed seeing things my meta posts, like regular lunches or events with him or the fact she wasn't going to settle for just any job when my boyfriend was selling collectibles of his to make ends meet. There was a time where they had some extra money and without skipping a beat, my boyfriend says he's getting something specific and special for his wife.

We had a pretty big talk a few months about me feeling secondary in a relationship that supposedly isn't hierarchial when I felt pretty broken. At this point, though, there's nothing really hurting like it did then. It just feels like this is how things are gonna be and I can either love it or leave it.

And it's not really feeling like love is enough...