Hi folks.

I've posted a bit about my situation on a burner account, but I figure I'll just use my regular one for this.

I've (33M) been with someone (29NB) off and on for about nine months now. We broke up very abruptly in October and started talking again around Christmas. Somewhat recently they started referring to me as their "partner" again, though we never had a discussion about that and we obviously need to, but that's not really the point of this thread.

In mid-February, they moved in with me on a temporary basis - their lease was up, they have a friend with a room opening up near the end of this month, and I'm letting them stay with me until then. We had a discussion beforehand around sex and dating, with them reminding me that they are poly, they go on dates, that sort of thing, and we set rules and boundaries around it (for example, do not bring your dates home), and it went fine.

A few weeks ago, they went on their first date since moving in, and were completely candid about it. "Hey, I am going to dinner with Tom, it will be our second date. Depending on how it goes, I may sleep over. Is that okay?" I was completely fine with it. This is the level of communication I expect.

On Monday night, around the time I am leaving work, I get a text. "I'm going on a date. Well, I'm not sure if it is a date. We are just going to hang out. Sort of a date? I'll be back later tonight." I respond positively, and then they add "Oh, this is the person who sent me the flowers on my birthday. It's our first date, actually." I say something and then after like four more text messages I finally get a name, let's call him Steve, and a gender - up until now, in all discussions of this person, he's been "my friend," using they/them pronouns. The fact that I have to do this much work to figure out who they're going to be with and where makes me uneasy, but I ignore it, tell them to have a good time, see you later, etc. Around 11pm I get a text that due to the bad weather and some drinking, they're going to be sleeping over with Steve. At this point, I am taking out the trash at my apartment and I notice that there is the box from a bottle of lube in the trash can. I also notice that a number of condoms are missing from the nightstand.

This, of course, makes me angry, because I am starting to feel like something is being concealed from me.

We have an argument about it yesterday, and while they are able to provide me a perfectly reasonable explanation for the missing items and insist nothing happened between them and Steve, they do not understand why I felt like something was concealed from me.

I should note - this is my first experience with any sort of non-monogamous relationship. I am not poly, they are. They attribute my feeling bad about this to being the typical jealousy of someone who isn't experienced in ENM relationships, and they say that even though I claim to not be a jealous person, I'm always weird about it when they leave the house. The example they use is from a week or two ago when they were out drinking with a mutual friend of ours, and then texted me at 11:30pm that they were going to come get their dog and "stay over with a friend," and then didn't come home for three days.

I told them that, again, the communication was the issue - if someone is my partner, and they are living with me, I do not expect them to abruptly leave around midnight and not tell me where they are going and when they will be back.

As a general rule, my expectation from a partner, especially one who is living with me, in terms of disclosure is, who are you going to be with, where are you going to be, and when will you be home. "I'm going to dinner with Tom, depending on how it goes I may spend the night" checks all these boxes, "I'm going to hang out with my friend, well actually it's a date, well actually they've been sending gifts to your apartment, well actually it's a man, his name is Steve, well actually I'm sleeping over" does not. "I'm coming to get the dog and going to stay over at a friend's place, bye" at 11:30pm does not.

My partner is telling me that this is an unreasonable expectation as far as communication goes and that I am treating them like a child with a curfew. I do not think that it is, and I think that this is a potentially relationship-ending disagreement.

However, for more experienced folks, and for my own peace of mind - am I being unreasonable in expecting my live-in partner to tell me where they're going, with whom, and when they will be back? It seems pretty basic to me.

POST-SCRIPT: last night we had a bit of an argument about this, and they said they'd leave the apartment for the evening to give us both space to cool off and we could talk about it when we had both had some time to think.

They slept over at Steve's place again.