Hi everyone,

I've recently been mulling over some thoughts and feelings relating to polyamory and wanted to share them somewhere and maybe get some other perspectives on them. I have some people to speak to IRL about this but I'd also appreciate hearing from people who are removed from my immediate situation. It's a bit of a ramble so bear with...

I'm (28F) currently in a 3 year long romantic relationship with R (23F). It's an amazing relationship and we love each other very much. We agreed early on that the relationship would be sexually open but romantically exclusive, as that is the preference for both of us.

Sometime last year, I had sex with a close friend, B (33F). This was with R's consent. Me and B have a really close, wholesome friendship and the sex was great. However, after the hookup, R said they had felt uncomfortable with it, because of the closeness between me and B. So I agreed that I would not have sex with B, unless R later said otherwise.

Since then my friendship with B has continued. It's quite physically intimate; we go out dancing together, we hold hands and cuddle, we regularly express our appreciation for each other, and every now and then we tell each other we love each other in a platonic way. But we also have this joke about 'being gal pals' and being 'gay for each other'. R is aware of this.

Since our hookup, I've really wanted to have sex with them again, but I've also developed this deeper desire to be connected to them. And it feels like yearning. Sometimes I find myself just scrolling through our chats or their instagram, or just reminiscing about our nights out in a hopelessly gay sort of way. I'm not entirely sure what my feelings are. I hadn't thought of myself as polyamorous before so I've been reluctant to acknowledge the feelings as romantic and I've been framing them more as 'intense admiration' or a 'passing crush'. However these feelings have been lingering for maybe half a year now.

I also think I had a particular view of what polyamory was, namely an identity to describe someone who actively desires multiple partners, but my more recent understanding of it is that it can just as equally be a way of being / process in which you are open to romance with multiple partners, and manage that with everyone's consent. I think for the first time I can see myself in that position and I'd be interested in knowing what polyamory feels like for other people.

Yesterday I brought some of this up with my partner. I told them that for the first time I could see the potential to develop stronger feelings for someone else, whilst still maintaining my relationship with R. I was aware in the moment that I wasn't being fully transparent with R about the extent of my feelings for B (the gay yearning etc) as I wasn't sure how to define the feelings, I didn't want to hurt R, and also wasn't sure what purpose that would have served - I'm trying to be mindful of my motivation behind disclosing things. Like I wouldn't want to dump all this on R just for the sake of clearing my conscious, or to apply pressure on them. So that's another thing I'm wondering about it how much of this to tell R. Should I tell them everything for the sake of transparency?

When I spoke to R about this, they reiterated that they did not want B and me to have a sexual relationship and that they wanted mine and R's relationship to be monoromantic. I said that I did feel disappointment that I couldn't explore things further with B, but that we can keep things as they are.

After that conversation, I was feeling quite sad and also a bit unsure about what to do, besides just waiting for these feelings to go away. I think some naive hopeful part of my brain was hoping that R would have changed their mind. I also cried a bit, listened to sad music, and was in a general state of self-pity, which probably wasn't really helping things but just ended up happening.

I think I'm feeling a sense of loss about the potential relationship I could have with B. I'm worried that that will turn into resentment towards R. I'm also feeling some guilt because I'm not being fully honest with R about what I'm feeling, although that's difficult to do because I'm also uncertain about my feelings. I'm also uncertain about whether this means I "am polyamorous" (if it makes sense to frame it as an identity like that) or whether it's just an indicator that under different conditions, I would be open to a polyamorous setup with R and B.

Tl;dr - in a long term sexually open, monoromantic relationship, have crush on close friend which partner doesn't want, confused about what to communicate to partner and how to manage feelings, gay mess, thoughts or advice welcome!

EDIT: Ages and genders added