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Wrote two versions of a poem. Looking for feedback.
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I wrote two versions of a poem. Looking for feedback on each. Along with which version is preferred. Please enjoy.

Version 1

A young boy learns the rules of pain, entrapped in a cruel masquerade, the whipping boy, innocent, yet he bears the strain, devoid of emotions, lost in the night.

This young man crawls through a personal hell, a vow whispered in shadows, a promise of pain, from this day forth, he’ll break every chain, letting feelings rise like a tempest of grief.

With time, he delves into darkness profound, yet dedicates his life to the bitter and cold, madness consumes him, a cycle of anguish, a life steeped in battles, a heart growing old.

A constant struggle, a war with no grace, the weary traveler, lost in despair, ready to perish, heavy with strife, embracing the darkness, he relinquishes life.

Version 2

A boy learns the rules of a merciless game, trapped in a world where innocence is slain. The whipping boy, burdened by unseen chains, devoid of emotions, lost in shadows’ reign.

This young man crawls through a suffocating haze, a vow carved in darkness, a promise of malaise. From this day forth, he’ll embrace the abyss, letting his feelings drown in a void of bliss.

With time, he sinks deeper in shadows profound, devoting his life to the echoes of the drowned.
Madness whispers softly, bitterness spreads, a relentless torment where hope lies dead.

An endless struggle, a war with no end, the weary soul, forgotten by family. Ready to perish, heavy with despair, in the clutch of darkness, he gasps for his last breathe of air.

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1 month ago