and it's not the kind of sabit that you think-- walang iba HAHA

we have been talking for quite some time, lagpas kalahating taon na and consistent na usap yun. walang mintis. at first i never intended to talk to someone on a day to day basis dahil i get it that most of us have busy lives and i thought my energy couldn't keep up with such set up, but then i met him. it's funny because i posted in phr4r on a very alanganing oras, few people only sent a message maybe because i was looking for a fellow f-- idk if red flag pero nag pm pa rin sya that time.

are you that kind of person na albeit online, alam mo na kaagad if magiging kavibe mo yung tao? not just with the semantics and the way they type-- but their tone in the way they message (i know, ironic kasi wala namang tone sa online conversations) pero gets? yung kung pano ka iapproach and basta, i knew na vibes tong si kuya pero walang expectation initially. gusto ko lang talaga na may makausap back then na hindi cringe and parang hindi ka na magtitiptoe pa para kumapa how s/he is as a person. i know we were strangers back then but it was so easy talking to him.

i remember na nung nag 1wk na kaming nag-uusap, that is the usual expiration na at least for me when interacting with people, but we got through it. hanggang sa nag 1 month and i was asking in my mind kung kelan kaya ako ighghost nito? ang pessismist diba haha but i was just expecting for the worst since life is usually like that. i thought na baka the thrill of the chase is over. we knew a lot of things about each other na, swapped stories, and we were comfortable sa isa't isa. i was waiting for the downfall and maybe mawalan na ng gana ang isa't isa sa pag-uusap. but nothing changed, we still kept talking. let it be mundane stuff, mabibigat na saloobin or kung ano man. it's amazing na it seems like hindi kami nawawalan ng mga bagay na pwedeng pag-usapan, and that the energy we were giving off to each other when we first met was still the same. it's easy to be interested to people but it's rare to find one who'll be consistent in showing that off through time

to cut it short, we went out several times. not that often but bilang lang sa daliri. we first had friendly "dates" and then you know the rest na HAHA though established naman yun virtually pa lang. i think we were not really fubu's nor fwb's? kasi madalang din naman yun but the rest is wholesome na. i was nervous at first kasi baka the persona i was giving off online wont match with how i present myself in real life. but the fact that we went out pa again and again, i took it that maybe he enjoys my company because he wouldn't invite me out if he doesn't naman diba?

i am also glad na may times na parang hindi ako okay (i cant say "kami" kasi wala namang kami HAHA) but i mean may times na im not stable or basta life gets shitty, but despite that andyan pa rin sya. not that im acting up in front of him pero gets, yung tipong not all days youre okay and medyo off yung mood mo. then at times like that you'll expect na mahirap kang pakisamahan kasi "you are not yourself." but kahit ganon, hindi sya narepel or something. i know some superficial guys will do pero idk. whatever version of myself-- i can show it to him, ups and lows, and he was still there. and is still here

pero figuratively :) here's the catch. he's now faraway and i knew that from the start pa lang! na they will migrate and all pero i wasn't expecting naman na i will like this guy. of course along the way i was shrugging it off or was not minding it-- pero it hit me when he dropped the news to me that he'll fly na to US. of course i knew na things will not be the same, kumbaga he'll be busy there for quite some time kasi he'll catch up with his relatives and ipapasyal sya. i know im not settling for less kasi it be like that sometime, there are phases in life right? kumbaga hindi na sya undergrad unlike before na maraming time pa. i asked him before his flight if magkakaghost-an na ba pag-alis nya HAHA but he said no, and yesss. things are still the way they are except na marami na syang ganap ngayon. and thats fine! i dont intend naman na sakin lang umikot ang buhay ng anyone. but despite that, we still talk with each other. and hindi man kasing tagal ng dati, and hindi naman kapiranggot lang ng oras (maybe somewhere in between), but things are good naman. i swear! to the point it still amazes me how i was able to talk to a person nang ganto katagal? and vice versa

i confessed to him neto lang and wala pa rin namang nagbago. he said he's still unsure kasi marami pa sya priorities in life such as to pass in boards, work to pay their debts, and such. and i get that kasi we're both figuring our way out in adulting. i think we are both in that stage kung saan we have to establish ourselves muna and love or dating could come on a later time when we're both fulfilled na with ourselves as individuals

but here's the thing. im thinking if im wasting my resources on him. it's so rare these days to find someone you'll connect with and someone who is consistent with their actions in general! hindi naman akong jowang jowa but at least i want to spend quality time with someone who i know na may patutunguhan. we are somewhere there between friends and jowa e. bcos i know that me as a friend-- u dont have to talk to me on a daily basis bcos im low maintenance. sometimes i think what if im fixating my energy so much to this person that im blocking others who i actually have a potential to vibe with? and even more.

im not the kind naman to "use" other people to get him off my mind or to deflect yung feelings ko sa kanya. idk. i just think na what if this is all that it will be? fine for me but i have to dial down what i feel. and idk if that's possible if im still involved with the person? i dont really see myself ghosting, as of the moment im just letting time take care of everything until i'll see him as wholesome na lang

if you have thoughts abt this, let me know. sorry din if petty :<