It is so hard to find hookups in Grindr when you’re trans. Most of the time iniignore kami since mas marami ang may gusto ng manly or femme na hindi cross dresser. Although I understand the concept of preference. Kahit ako or sino ay mayroon non so deadma or respect na lang. What I hate about this story is that bakit sobrang naive ko and I get it, what do I expect from stangers na randomly ko lang nakachat? I am sharing this cause I can’t get over with this experience. I can’t believe that I am still alive today.

Kanina, when I was bored, I randomly scrolled through Grindr. I was not even horny that time. I don’t usually look for hookups sa grindr kasi hindi naman ako mabenta roon. Usually sa Reddit ako naghahanap and nandon ang market ko. Lol. May nag chat sa akin. He sent his album and he seems nice naman. His bio is “#NoToMoneyBoys #NoToMasahista. Kahit sino oks lang.” (not literally word to word tho) For me, these kind of people who usually taps profile na may indication na trans yung tao, eh usually into trans. He is not the typical #Masc4masc guy na nagkalat sa platform. Kasi from my experience, when I shared my album na and nakita nilang trans ako, they block me sa platform. Or nagdedecline sila politely.

Nag aya sya mag meet. Which I agreed to. By the way this is in Cubao. When we met kanina sa Isetann, to be honest hindi ako kinabahan sa kanya. Wala akong naramdaman na maaari nyang gawing masama and all. I have this thing na when I am going to meet a person, I will not bring all my money. Yung sakto lang pamasahe and pang ambag sa hotel. Before we met, I transferred all my money sa isa kong bank and uninstalled the app after. I don’t know, bigla ko na lang syang ginawa before I go.

Nag meet kami sa Isetann. And we book a hotel nearby. ❄️ hotel. Ifkyk. I thought we’re going to share the fee. Turns out hindi. I paid for 3 hours. Which is okay lang naman since nasa 350 lang sya. I used gcash kasi may laman pang 1k yoon. When we settled sa room. Kwentuhan muna kami. Like literally na kwentuhan about life and everything. He’s asking for my work. Alam nya kasi company ko. I told him na call center agent ako. He said may work sya blah blah. After an hour nag shower ako para simulan na. Afterwards, nag kwentuhan pa rin kami about life. Then nagbuhad sya tapos pumatong sya sakin.

I got chills when he said na he really needs money and need nyang humingi ng tulong sa akin. Take note, he is on top of me. All his weight is on me. He’s pinning me on the bed and looking at me to focus on what he is about to say. I have cash na 300 pesos, an iPhone 13, a company laptop, and 650 sa gcash. He is asking for 3k. I look dead serious in his eyes and said I don’t have much with me. Even if I want to help, I can’t. My money is not enough for my family. Sabi nya sakin “kahit send mo na lang sa gcash. Nakita kita gcash pinangbayad mo.” I tried to remain calm. Sabi ko sa kanya, “Kuya naman. Sa dami naman jaan why naman ako. Sure. I can show you my banks para malaman mo na I’m also broke. I don’t have 3k with me.”

Then tumayo ako para kunin phone ko. My hands are shaking napansin nya yon. Sabi nya natatakot ba raw ako. I calmly said na hindi. You look like you need some help. You don’t look dangerous to me. PERO FUCK! Ang daming scenarios sa utak ko. Nakahubad pa ako. Paano kapag tinakbo nya gamit ko?

Then I opened my banks and nakita nyang walang laman. I told him, “mali ka ng nabudol. Sorry wala rin akong pera.”

He asked me to send all my money sa gcash sa pinsan nya. Which I am contemplating since ayun nga broke. Malayo pa sahod. Akala ko fun itong gagawin. The fuck. Nagkuwento sya ng mga ginagawa nilang ganito. They usually do this without mercy. Sinisimot nila yung bakla and hindi sila tumitira or pumapatol sa bakla. They do this for fun and kabuhayan daw nila. I am just listening to him. I made him feel na I am aware of what’s happening and this is something I understand since not everyone is fortunate and privilege to have a decent job. (I know. Not the right time to be woke lol. Wtf self.) Sabi nya sa’kin, sinusubukan ko magbago. Usually daw pag ganito tinututukan na raw nya ng baril agad sa ulo. I still remained calm andI compose myself. So I ended up sending my money sa gcash sa pinsan nya.

Next tinignan nya yung bag ko. Sabi ko sa kanya 300 lang laman ng bag ko. Which is true. I told him na mag bus ako pauwi Caroselle. Please wag nya na kako kunin dahil last money ko na yung pera sa gcash. Tinanong nya ako kung bakit ba wala akong pera kung nagtatrabaho ako. To be honest, I can’t even say these to my friends. Pero dahil don nasabi ko sa kanya na I support my family. All my money is allotted for our bills. Which is true. Nakonsensya sya. Which is nagulat ako. I didn’t felt safe, yes. Pero I felt na hindi nya ako sasaktan. Nagsorry sya and para raw makabawi, ihahatid nya ako sa sakayan ng bus.

Which he did. Hinatid nya ako. This is a wild night. Until now mainit katawan ko dahil I can’t still collect myself sa nangyari. Good thing hindi nya kinuha phone and laptop ko kasi di ko na alam saan at ano ang gagawin if ever. Sabi nya he felt my sincerity and he is sorry na ako pa nabudol nya. Wag na raw ako mag grindr sa Cubao since marami sila roon.

Umuwi ako. Thinking about what happened. I am alive. Walang tarak sa tagiliran ko. Thankful ako sa sarili ko for being calm. I don’t know kung anong nakita nya sakin for sparing me.