Help me ponder on this question. Maybe the holidays are pulling out my most kept perceptions, insights, and secrets from the closet. For a score and a decade, I have been battling with myself. I’m aware that I’m the only one who can answer this, but a little help from you guys won’t hurt. Help a brother out. This will be long, please be patient.

I have written below some information about me sexually that can give context and what I think is relevant to answer this question.

POINT 1: Even during childhood my sexuality was always questioned by my cousins and older members of the family. I’m not fully aware of what they see in me - may it be the way i walk, talk, or present myself, I was just a kid. And that tease stuck with me. It would seem like being different is a bad thing, it makes you unacceptable. Growing up I was exposed to the sexualities of the human body, both male and female. We have this family within our neighborhood who’s extremely liberated. I would always stay at their house during summer vacation because two of the kids are my friends. I would often see the parents walking around the house in their undies. Touching one another while watching TV. But there were two instances that I’ll never forget. First was when their eldest son asked me to lay down with him in a single bed, while the rest of the family was sleeping on the floor, and guided me to stroke his dick while we were under the sheets. Second was when their uncle visited from Batangas. We were playing hide and seek and I run in his room to hide. He was there lying, in his undies. Suddenly, he asked me to play with his dick and balls until he falls asleep.

POINT 2: During my high school, I had girl crushes here and there but did not pursue anyone because I needed to prioritize my studies. Our bracket was under a special science curriculum and we need to keep-up with the requirements. Had a girlfriend during college and there was no sex, but we did so many firsts with each other. Things didn’t work out and we had to call a stop on it before we graduated. Had a FWB set-up on my first employment with a female co-worker. Never attempted to have sex but I loved fondling her body. I have kissed, licked, and made out with her body and soul. I was able to make her reach multiple orgasms from yoni massage and pussy eating.

POINT 3: Now here’s the tricky part. I have been single since time immemorial HAHAHA! Not sure how or when it started, but my go-to porn if I’m alone and felt the need to pleasure myself or release some tension is gay porn. I can watch straight porn, I even have a fetish on step sisters and have favorite porn actresses but the attraction towards the male body is always there, even up to now. Also I don’t know if it’s just me, I can’t fully watch straight porn because all of a sudden I remember the women from my life (friends, family, co-worker), and it destroys the mood and momentum. At the back of my head, I can’t help but think that maybe I am gay, I just can’t accept the truth and my solution is to cover it up. But I also know that the attractions with the opposite sex, whether it flourished or not, were really legit. I even learned ass play to access my prostate (this may sound taboo with others and some might insinuate that this act is gay but if you research, some straight men either single or married men have tried it and found pleasure).

POINT 4: Reddit has been good to me. This is just a throwaway account but I have been lurking from various subs with my official account and got to talk to strangers here with whom I think shared the same experience as I am. Even hoped for a hookup with a guy just to test my hypothesis but it never happened, it’s scary and daunting. Rushing things is really not my cup of tea, I’m a hopeless romantic.

To confuse me even more and spice things up simultaneously, I discovered the world of transmen (female-to-male transgenders). And damn!! They’re so hot!! And the perfect combo to stimulate me sexually. The masculine body plus the pussy. That’s heaven!! I have been pleasuring myself with porns from this category for a week now.

So there, that’s actually it. I hope you can help me. I’m looking forward to start 2024 with a clearer mind and a freer self. Thank you in advance!