Have you ever felt like the universe doesnt want to make you happy?

For the past few days I have been contemplating about how I always meet someone, for weeks I feel happy and special, but It always ends in a bad note. When that happens, of course, it makes me feel terrible and gutted. And I ask the universe why I cant have nice things. I love my life dont get me wrong. I dont ask for too much in general. I am on my journey to transitioning and thats where I am focused on. But sometimes, when I lay in bed before I sleep, I always think abt how nice it would be to know someone special thinks abt u before they go to sleep and then thinks abt you too the moment they wake up. How nice would it be to have "good morning beautiful. I love you!" As the first message you read in the morning. Those fleeting moments you talk to each other until you fall asleep. Make plans for the weekend and/or your future together. Those little jumps your heart makes when u hear your phone notification and see his name popping up. When you hear his voice and his laugh when u share to him a funny meme you found on instagram. You talk abt your opposing views abt random stuff whether it be abt current events and social issues or just debating abt the propriety of pineapple on pizza. When you realize your face lights up just by thinking abt how lucky you are to have met this one person. Being trans in itself is already a struggle so finding a guy who accepts you for who you are, uplifts you for being such a brave soul, and makes you feel seen and loved is a gift!

Then one day, out of the blue, it just stops. You stretch your arms out coz you still see an image of him but as you get closer and try to grab on to him, he starts to fade. Slowly. And then vanishes. All those moments you thought will last, suddenly ends.

Now, youre back where you started. Alone. Wondering how it feels like to be special again. Searching love in the most hopeless places.