(Might be a long rant, read only if you have the time)

Before anything else, I'm 30 year old gay guy who likes to keep it on the down low. I'm also on the spectrum - I have been recently diagnosed with AuDHD (Type I Autism & ADHD). What this only means is it makes it harder for me to establish any kind of relationship with anyone compared to others because my mind works differently.

Learning about my diagnosis made it easier for me in building my own comfort zone. I started cutting off people in my life (which turned out to be most of the friends I keep). I know that's a bold move but the saddest thing I've realized from all of this is that... I was always the second option. I was always the last-minute invite. I forced myself to be out and loud around my friends even if it made me uncomfortable, just to fit in.

And so I broke out of that cycle. I realized I wasn't out. I realized how much I like the guy stuff. Talk to me about cars, talk to me about nerd stuff, talk to me about documentaries and I will sit down and listen to you for hours.

I tried meeting new friends. Hindi naman ako feeling pogi at lalong hindi ako pogi, pero madalas kasi nagiinitiate something sexual. I love sex as much as next guy but... you get it. I haven't been up to date with gay pop culture which makes it harder to find a common ground with anyone. For example, I get asked about drag queens and while I'm fond of stumbling upon them on Instagram reels, I don't know a thing or two about them.

So I now spend most of my days alone. I only interact with workmates and my family who I live with (sibs and parents). My life can go on for a month without any message notification from friends. To someone who's neurodivergent, it's actually peaceful. But it's also sad. It comes in waves, which is why it's important to stick to a routine. In my case, my daily routine was gym, running, video games, TV shows and w33d.

I go out alone from time to time. Sometimes I go to bathhouses - but I don't hook up. Heck, I don't even talk to anyone. I just sit there quietly to feel like I belong somewhere. I also drive by myself on weekends. I go out at midnight and drive a route. Always the same route. Nakakatawa, yung route na to, most roads laging ako lang yung sasakyan. There's something about being the only car driving at night. It feels safe. It feels like I'm safe. Like I won't be judged and no eyes looking at you.

I honestly have no idea why I'm posting this. The past couple of weeks have been rough. It's been awfully quiet after the holidays and I just feel like I'm slowly disappearing into a void. This morning I desperately messaged an alter and asked if I could join their swimming/outing because I don't have any friends. I quickly pulled myself out and realized that I'm probably drowning in these thoughts.

I just really, really, need a friend. Or not. I don't know. Maybe no one really makes it out alone.