Naalala ko lang to bigla habang ginagawa ko yung project ko (18M/NB).

Looking back few years ago, as a very lonely, depressed and naive queer teen, I was 15 back then. I used to search for love in the wrong places (online) pero I just get hurt again and again, by men who took advantaged of me, which just adds to my trauma.

Sobrang insecure ko rin sa sarili ko dulot ng beauty standards na yan, at yung "food chain." Kasi I know I don't conventionally fit in well, if I were, mga secondary, third or last lang, but never really the one to firstly choose. And I had always continued to seek for the validation, just to have even the very little bit of loving care that I never had.

I did many things before just for me to fit those standards, kasi napakarampant ng napaka superficial standards ng gay/queer community. I used to do the most kahit maging close lang ng kahit kaunti, tungo sa ideal caricature of the "perfect feminine twink/femboy."

But now na sobrang layo na no'n. I have removed and avoided myself from those places and contents. I now have addressed myself, especially my insecurities (I can proudly say na hindi na 'ko insecure sa sarili ko), took my time to heal and to love myself, and now matagal na kong healed at minamahal na yung sarili ko. Kasabay na rin ng pag glow up ko at pag increase ng self-esteem ko, and I think I'm a very beautiful person.

Pero now thinking about it minsan, and seeing people express their very idealistic standards, it brings back and triggers me just the very bit back to those dark times. I know hindi na 'ko nag-si-seek ng ganoong uri ng validation, because I took time caring myself na, to each of their own din siyempre, pero I couldn't help but be reminded of those pasts lang, not because I still cling on seeking validation. I have always looked at each people very beautiful in their own way (to the point na other people always tease me, kasi I always find certain people attractive), even if almost no one sees me that way, but it's okay, self-validation is what I always need.

To my fellow queer teens reading this, I absolutely understand where you come from, and I know 'di ko na kayo ma-co-convince, pero sa kasabay ng matagal ng panahon, darating din ang araw na you'll heal away and outgrow from that ❤️ hugs! 🫂

Edit: pasensiya na sa grammar, night thoughts kasi to eh, 'tsaka inaantok na rin talaga ako huhu, just woke up