I recently broke up with my on-again off-again partner of over 20 years after finally conceding that we’re not meant to be. I always rationalized our relationship as someone one simply doesn’t walk away from after all that history even if we’re practically walking red flags.

I got SA’d last year by a much older woman while I was in a situation where I couldn’t give a hard no. I told him about it and he got very angry at me. While it wasn’t blatant victim blaming, I was blamed for being accommodating and naïve. Several days ago was the anniversary of what happened. I remembered one particular detail that left me shaking in rage and called him. Instead of consoling me, he flew off the handle and flat out blamed me.

And just like that, the realization that I cannot be with this man hit me with stunning force. While I chose to not live with him all these years because of familial responsibility, I’ve come to also see no future for us. He’s always been ready. I am the one who never was. However, after what happened, I truly see no way forward.

Anyhoo, I was asking myself, will I be ready to date in my late 30s? Will I have the patience to go through wearing nice clothes, putting on the charm, and doing all sorts of things that people do when they date? I haven’t been single since I was a teenager. I have no clue how to behave like a single man, or a man who’s dating.

I’d like to think of myself as a second chancer open to another second chancer but am I really? I’ve been through the trauma of multiple SA instances that I sometimes recoil at physical touch.

What scares me is the trauma I have could cause trauma to the next person I’ll be with because of my triggers. I don’t even know if I’ll ever find love again or just give up since it’s a been there, done that thing for me now.