I know that I will certainly get downvotes for this, draw some hate, and even some unkind words. But I feel compelled to publish this as I can’t really express these thoughts with someone else who might potentially understand.

So here goes…

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As a person, I deeply value faithfulness, loyalty, and exclusivity. Why? It could stem from the way I was raised, my environment, or maybe even heteronormativity. There’s really no pinpointing it—it’s a blend of various factors. What matters is that I genuinely live by these principles in the relationships I’ve nurtured and will nurture in the future.

While it’s true we cannot own our partners, it’s not about ownership. To me, a relationship is a blending of two souls working in harmony—two distinct parts moving together to form a whole functioning system. Yes, we retain our individuality, but we also work as one. How can you truly be one with someone when you’re sharing parts of yourself with others? How can intimacy feel special when it’s shared with multiple people? Advocates for open and poly lifestyles often say that one should separate the act from the emotions, but I believe emotions are inherently tied to the act. Vulnerability and intimacy are inseparable from being with another person.

I love talking to people and learning their stories. I’ve seen a lot of situations unfold and I’ve noticed some common themes in open and poly relationships:

1. The hypersexual culture among gays. Some use it to justify sleeping around while keeping emotional security. It’s wanting to have their cake and eat it too. How can you say you’re ready for a relationship if you’re only dipping in halfheartedly? If you want to mess around, that’s fine, but if you’re not ready to fully commit, it’s better to stay single. Commitment isn’t halfway. It’s going all in.

2. Cheating. Some only open the relationship to feel better after discovering their partners committing infidelity. They open the relationship to create a false sense of fairness - so they can sleep around with other people too, but end up miserable anyway. For those in these kinds of situations, all I can say is that please love and value yourselves more.

3. Long-term couples experiencing dwindling sexual intimacy. To me, this feels selfish. It’s focused on personal pleasure and satisfaction. People do it out of fear—realizing the relationship no longer serves them but lacking the courage to leave. So, they open up the relationship, creating rules to soothe their discomfort with their partners engaging in intimate, vulnerable acts with others. But like I said, emotions are inherently tied to intimacy. They set rules out of fear and discomfort of their own partners being intimate and vulnerable with people other than them. The love is still there. Sex shouldn’t be the driving force in a relationship. Choose love. Choose your partner. Put in the effort to make it work rather than patching it up with unsustainable band-aids solutions. Otherwise, let it go and find someone else who fits.

I know, in the end, that these relationships are consensual. However they choose to live is up to them. But I can’t help feeling frustrated, seeing people advocate for this “new normal” when I think it is wrong. I feel like I am at a crossroads because my emotional mind is vehemently against it, but my rational mind says that my values aren’t superior to theirs. To add, I know there’s nothing I should or even could do about it. So, here I am, venting and just wanting to let my frustrations out.