I used to be confident and comfy with my then-boyfriend (first and only serious one I had so far). But years after that, after entering some "situationships", lumakas anxiety ko towards dating to the point of giving up on it.

Three years ago, a guy asked me to make things exclusive. One week into that agreement, I found out through his laptop that he was still suggestively talking with other guys. In one conversation, he offered the other guy to watch us doing the deed. Note that we never discussed recording any of our intimate moments. During one of those moments, I noticed he was holding his phone. Confronted him about it, but he never admitted that he was recording.

A year after that, I was dating another guy. Super okay namin, but I noticed we rarely did anything sexual. Sides na at best. When I was alone in his place, I found his stash of condoms and lube. While we eventually agreed to make things open, I can't help but still check if nababawasan ba yung stash niya from time to time.

Then comes this guy that I last dated. Ewan ko ba- minsan okay kami, minsan parang hindi. Parang may ayaw siya sakin na hindi niya masabi. Stopped entertaining other guys until I found out he was still active sa G app. I still chose to continue dating him, pero alam ko sa sarili ko na kinakain na ako ng self-doubt ko. Used the app again, but only for the purpose of finding out where he is and drawing conclusions in my head about what he might be doing behind my back.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I developed a habit of trying so hard to get the truth out of everything. And if it's the ugly truth, I end up feeling defeated. Kaya ayoko muna siguro makipagdate nang seryoso ngayon. Kasi what if sobrang okay naman nung guy sakin, pero ganito pa rin ako with my trust issues. Unfair yun sa kanya.

Ayun lang naman. Ang hirap maging bading. Laging involved ang sex sa dilemma. Hayyyyy