Honestly, I’ve had this in my notes for quite some time now but had chosen not to post it because I felt like it was too personal. However, after reading some of the posts in this sub, I feel like sharing this realization will help a lot of people out there who feel out of place.

If you don’t resonate with this post, that’s okay. I’m only going to post this for those who might anyway.

So here goes…

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For so long, I've been bombarded with the idea that being gay means being hypersexual—stories of cruising, hooking up wherever you go, having the most random and unexpected encounters, and all that jazz! I thought I should be doing it too. After all, I'm gay, and it seemed like a rite of passage, a milestone I needed to reach to truly belong in the community. People bond over shared experiences or stories of similar nature, right? I wanted to be able to share the experience with others too.

But the truth is, I'm not hypersexual, and I’ve always struggled with picking up romantic,sexual, or suggestive cues. The idea of cruising and random encounters, nonchalantly hooking up with guys at the club - always felt out of reach for me. Even when someone had a crush on me, I only found out long after the infatuation had faded. To add: beyond that, I'm not particularly into drag race, and I don't see the appeal in beauty pageants, I don’t excel in art, but most of all, I dislike gay bars. They just feel so suffocating and not as open and friendly as I expected. Groups just keep to themselves, having the lowkey competition on who the better gay is, if not only interacting with you with some sort of an agenda. It’s just not the vibe I'm into.

Instead, I genuinely enjoy watching anime, practicing martial arts, playing the console - now I know some gays are into these things as well, but we gotta admit that these hobbies aren’t really typical within the community.

But for so long, I tried so hard to fit into a community that I had little alignment with—only to lose myself in the process. Then one day, I stumbled across a comment by a random Redditor: "Being gay is an orientation, not a character trait, nor a personality." And honestly, after truly internalizing that, I felt so liberated! I no longer feel the desperate need to fit in because being gay is simply my orientation. I don’t have to share the same interests or experiences as the majority. I'm allowed to be my own person with my own unique set of experiences, and that doesn’t diminish who I am or where I stand.

Absorbing these stories and experiences made me think I should be living the same way. When I couldn’t, I began doubting myself, thinking there must be something wrong with me. I started to second-guess my strengths and question my worth just because I didn’t fit in. When I wasn’t having those random sexual encounters, I began to doubt my attractiveness. Worst of all, I regret allowing people to have access to my body, my temple, just for validation; that I was attractive, desirable. I know I made these decisions when I was at a low point and that is no longer who I am now, but I still regret it. I should have valued myself more, loved myself more, and respected myself more. When I wasn’t connecting with other non-straights, I began to doubt my personality. But now I realize—that there is nothing wrong with me! I have friends who love me and who I greatly align with. I’ve had guys who I shared mutual sparks with. And I have lots of other people who I share mutual interests with. I just feel so very foolish for not realizing nor truly understanding it sooner.