TW: Mention of suicide

I'm not a suicidal person pero I sometimes imagine me dying out of some random cause unexpectedly or maybe from a silent disease. Siguro it is the narcissistic tendency in me thinking na if I'm dead then people will love me. As much as I can I don't like entertaining this thought pero nga minsan kapag down na down ako, I have this wishful thinking of just passing away, for the benefit of not having to live anymore, and also for the satisfaction of being loved even in my final moments. I envision the people that have loved me at some point or those I have dated regretting the things they did to me, or reminiscing ovr me as a person. It is such a toxic trait kaya as much as I can I want to live kasi I don't want to see my loved ones live in regret of the things they haven't made me feel while I was still alive. I'm not a hero, I'm just human and I think it is okay to feel this way sometimes.