when i get really horny, i get insatiable desire for skin contact. like jerking off just wont do it anymore; porn doesnt arouse me, too. wanting to act on it immediately, because i lose focus when im that horny, i would offer to pay.

im not on any dating apps. tried G app and it didnt last a day -- just not for me. so i go to reddit and post on subs. i used to just imply it, using words like "treat" or "spoil," but just recently, i explicitly used the word "pay" to look for someone who'd do it with (and for) me.

just this last sunday, i had two encounters. i received several messages after i posted. first one was meh. we did not do what we agreed we would. i always set expectations before meet ups by discussing the dos and don'ts. it was a total letdown. but i still honored my word and paid him, more than what i think he deserved. i was still horny after. so i entertained another message and it proceeded to a meet up. second was good. i was so horny that i tried bottoming (we're both tops) but was unsuccessful. i couldnt derive pleasure from it and it was just his dick's head. no further thrusts. im really a top. the guy was okay but he's not used to sucking. but overall okay.

ive been jerking off since then. still really horny. and when the post nut clarity hits, i hate myse|f for having to come to that point: paying someone for a short-term pleasure. i know i can get it for free. im confident that i look decent enough to engage sexually without paying. but im really impatient when im horny. i pay for convenience. hanap, usap, deal. spas are too transactional for me, and im a fool for convincing myse|f that paying random strangers is less of being transactional. lmao

i still dont want to use dating/hook up apps. yet i want to do things immediately when im horny. sex work is work but i wish i could stop myse|f from offering to pay just to quench my thirst. many of these previous partners were not even sex workers. theyre random strangers who happen to be horny, too, and what harm it could to them if they engage with me: theyre horny, and they get paid for it. im clean and i look fine. i feel and i know that in these encounters (or perhaps transactions), im on the losing side.

i swear im pleasing enough to still get it done with someone without payment. but my tendencies have become so familiar that i resort to doing them when i feel very very horny. i wish i could learn how to stop such an urge. kasi it makes me feel, at times, devalued. but i know i have no one else to blame but myse|f.