Hello.

12 days nalang isang buwan na tayong hindi nag-uusap.

Even after everything, I still see the good and potential in you. It's just that, we were two young boys who had different perspectives and were both fundamentally different. I tried my best to accomodate our differences but I wish you also extended the same courtesy to me. I never meant to overwhelm you. But at the same time, I wish you were brutally honest with me because towards the end, I was so out of place and it felt like you were just— there. Just there standing and with your words, "For you— this is a fire to keep yourself warm," I didn't realize it at first but, that should have been the confirmation that I was alone in attempting to save whatever we had.

I do admit that I have done too much. I loved you too much. I blew things out of proportion sometimes, but damn, I would be lying if sometimes, I just wish you got angry at me as well. I would have appreciated it. All this time, you had this pent up frustrations towards me that we could have bridged had you just been brutally honest.

Before you, I had no man. It was a mere 7 months I think? of celibacy that I enjoyed. I meant it when I said that if we did not work out, I'd quit dating. And I did.

You simultaneously embody what I want and need from a man and also simultaneously have attributes that I hate. I hate how you are so accessible towards alter individuals. How you have this space wherein you ironically say you wish you receive love and not be objectified but at the same time, enjoy the pleasure of being objectified on X. That's a pattern I keep observing from everybody I dated who are in the alter space. They want true love and wishes to no longer be objectified but at the same time, enjoy the sexual attention.

Even after all of this, I'd be lying if I said na I no longer love you. I know we were only in it for three months but fuck, it hits harder because I really thought you were the one. At least, towards the end I wanted YOU to be the one. For the past couple of weeks, I have been suffering. I keep blaming myself. I keep going back and forth, immersing myself in the same sexual attention you receive on X to know how it feels. I feel shit.

I have been having nightmares where you apologized. I'd wake up stressed and everything.

All I wanted from you is to initiate and be affectionate. Wala pa tayong label right? Then we should work on getting one. And that includes having the initiative to work together.

Every mistake we both made, I've forgiven it. Every mistake I have done— all of it wouldn't matter if I was the older daddy top that you needed.

Because of you, I wanted to try being a verse only with you.

I hate myself for saying this but, I'm not closing any doors.

I love you. I hate you. This is why love and anger are of the same color.

• Moon