I’m 26 M. I don’t even know where to start. I have been consistently working out and eating clean since late 2022 and have lost the pandemic weight that I gained due to stress eating.

I hooked up with a few guys (less than 30, I am on PrEP and I get tested almost every 2 months) considered by many as attractive or “good catch” as the Grindr community would refer to them. I don't even know how they got attracted to me.

However, I STILL FEEL UGLY. I don’t know. I am so exhausted feeling this feeling. I have improved a lot, as in a lot. Body and face got toned, skin improved. People around me who saw me when I was still skinng fat even notice how toned my face and body got. Jawline definition improved.

But I still view myself as unattractive. I've met a few guys who thought I am attractive but I just don't care about how they feel towards me. My belief that I am unattractive is so strong that I thought to myself, I'd never ever get a chance to feel genuine intimacy after my first and only failed relationship to date.

When I was still in school, I used to equate my value with grades and achievements. Now, it changed to physical appearance and my ability to pickup attractive guys. I am trying to heal from this but I feel so numb now.

Most of the time, I even feel repulsed with the idea of intimacy after 5 yrs of being single because I have this thinking that everything is just superficial. Just about physique, status etc.

Worst is, when I got introduced to Eugenics, I thought, what if hindi nagreproduce ang mga magulang ko para hindi nila naipasa yung mga traits nila sa akin na kinoconsider kong unattractive? I know it’s absurd pero ganoon kababa ang self-esteem ko.

To most people, I appear to have a strong personality which I really am,it’s not a facade. But deep inside I view myself as just plain unattractive and ugly.

I know there is more to life than physical attractiveness, but in this day and age, kapag LGBT ka, at kapag hindi ka considered attractive, mabubulok ka sa tabi.

I just wished I'm straight.

Hirap maging bading, kailangan perpekto ka mula ulo hanggang paa. Ayokong sumikat or magustuhan ng lahat, gusto ko lang maging at peace sa sarili ko.