STORYTIME LONG POST AHEAD! THIS IS MY HISTORY AND MY DEEPEST TRAUMA WHEN IT COMES TO RELATIONSHIPS AND BEING AN OPTION.

So okay, this may take longer. I'm 31 now, also NBSB/NGSB why? wayback in my teens to my 20's era I just focused to finish studies and find a job. That timeline as in never akong nag try na pumasok sa isang relationship. First, I'm really confused on my gender like Am I gay? or a Bi? for that time I feel attracted also on girls but not in a romantic way, yung parang nagagandahan ka sa kanila or natatali uhan na aamaze ganyan. But when it comes to guys naman I feel the same napopogian and amazed. Hindi ko na masyado pinansin yun kase na addict din tayo sa computer games that time so naging distraction na rin yun for me, as in naging tambay ng computer shops during (2008-2015) eras nag stop na lang yun nung nag OJT and nakagraduate na sa college, and eventually landed a job. So yung era ng being and having in love and a relationship is nag pause parang sa multiverse kineme, nabura sa timeline ko. Now during my Mid 20s na dun na ako nag karoon ng feeling na what if ano kaya feeling ng may jowa? How does it feels like to have someone to share your inner thoughts and emotions, to share your half life.

That moment also I discovered na mas lean ako sa guys, why? There is that one guy na naging ka co-work ko sa first job way back 2015 na nag trigger din to like guys even more. He gave me mixed signals which I really dont get and I dont really want to assume, kase iba yung treatment niya sakin as in parang jinojowa niya ako na hindi siya seryoso na ewan, tapos pag kakain laging may binibigay na desserts like Ice Cream, Chcolates etc. Pag uwian hinahatid pa ako sa MRT Station tho we share on the same road pero He lives in South and Im from East, pero sinasakay muna nya ako bago siya bumalik sa rail ng pa South (In lab? YES!)

kaya prinangka ko na siya sinabe ko ano ang intensyon niya sakin? Bakit ganon ang treatment niya kase I'm falling on the way, He just smiled and said "Kung ano yung nasa puso mo yun na yun, Hindi pa ba obvious? Hehehe". It makes me confused and naiinis ako, kase Im really an emotional person and hindi siya nag bigay ng assurance and ayaw niya rin manggaling sa kanya kung ano talaga ang interest niya but It continues for almost two months non-stop yun, Until one time bago mag Ber months, napansin ko na na parang naging cold or naging busy na siya sa mga task niya kineme daw. Yung lunch time namin hindi na nagkasabay, yung pag uwi hindi na rin kase nga malayo pa rin byahe ko and need ko talaga mag habol ng biyahe kaya sinasabi niya mauna na ako etc. Hinayaan ko yun kase sabe ko need din niya ng space daw kase medjyo down and may problem daw siya, which is He can't open it up to me like ano ba yon? may maitutulong ba kako ako? He said hayaan ko na lang daw kase He needed space and siya lang daw siguro makaka solve nun since It's personal problem and ayaw daw niya ako madamay pa and isipin din yun at the same time. So hinayaan ko sabi ko okay but kung may maitutulong ako nandun naman kako ako. He smiled at me and said "Thank you ha! Sorry, Sorry talaga" So ako naman sige okay hanggang sa nakalipas na naman isang buwan. Sa loob ng isang buwan na yun napansin ko na He is forcing himself na lang to entertain me, efforts etc. more on pulled out. Nag start na ako mag taka ano kaya meron, I assessed myself also, pero wala naman changes sa efforts ko and such.

So then one time pinatawag kami sa office mga bandang October ito, and supposedly dapat kasama ko siya to report kaso matatapos na breaktime wala pa siya, eh nasa kanya yung Flash drive ko. So moments passes by at hindi na ako makatiis hinanap ko na siya, nag tanong-tanong pa ako kase naiinis ako anong oras na at wala pa rin talaga siya, luckily one of my workmate said that He saw him sa may bandang fire exit, So pinuntahan ko, pero wala naman dun sa hallway ng fire exit, The moment na natapat ako sa pinto nakaramdam ako ng iba may bulong na parang buksan ko yung pinto.

Guess what I have found out? He is with my co-worker na girl which is taga kabilang department lang and they are kissing/making out sa Fire Exit, and I was like shookt asfk, nagulat sila kase binuksan ko pinto at nag katitigan kaming tatlo, He made an eye contact with me na parang nahihiya siya and it causes discomfort on him and biglang piglas silang dalawa, the girl ran away through the door behind me and says "Sorry, nakakahiya nahuli mo pa kam dito, Wag ka maingay ha!" sabay labas ng fire exit habang tumatawa (She didnt know about us). Natira kaming dalawa, I was shocked as fuck and cant event move, I can't feel my legs, I'm having a hardly breathing, sweating and shaking. But in my mind I was saying "What the fuck is that?" He rushed and tried to grab me and keep saying my name and "I'm Sorry, I'm sorry" But I cannot here a thing nabingi ako malala promise, but the moment I have managed to regain control of my body and bago niya pa ako mahawakan, tumakbo ang lolo niyo palabas din ng door (Dramatic no?)

Then I noticed that I was crying!! Dibaa!!?? naiyak ako why!!!??? Coz it hurts! All of what happened to us even the gestures and texting, chatting was a whole lie, Ako lang pala nag bigay ng meaning non? I WAS CHEATED ON? NO OF COURSE. Wala naman kami Ako lang pala ang nasa dream island mag isa, ako lang nag bigay ng meaning and He did not even confirmed it too btw, But for me YES I fall for it, It feels really true and legit for me and to my feelings that time. (I was 23 that time btw). That day I also discovered that He is courting that girl and turned out na hindi sila nagkaroon ng clarity and closure. Ito yung moment na kino-comfort ko siya kase He was feeling down and sad. So since kami mag ka dept and almost magkasama sa reports and presentation wala din ako knows sa pinagdaanan niya before pero nagkkuwento siya regards on His past relationship basta ako sinusupport ko lang siya that time na yun, Yun pala yung time na kino-comfort ko siya yun yung major breakdown niya when that Girl turned Him also down (Plot twist? YES!) And yung moment na mention ko na nanlamig na siya sakin is yung moment naman na binigyan na siya ng chance nung Girl and What torments Him that time thay He is feeling guilty for ME, And hindi niya alam kung paano niya sasabihin sakin yun that I was just a short ride to ease His heartbreak and thus making me an alternative choice. And then that day also I discovered na I was just an OPTION.

Sa unang naging lablayf ko, masaklap pa wala ng label option ka pa haha. Guess what? I resigned to that company as in, I was hurt and brokenhearted. Besides hindi ko na siya kayang kausapin and harapin pa.

But I considered pa rin na NBSB/NGSB ako. Wala naman kami, He just used me.

I moved on and I already forgave Him, tho it leaves a mark on my heart and mind, also it makes me really much emotional (Im a Cancerian btw).

• End of storytime -

Nag try ulit ako to open my heart and mind sa relationship, I found out about reddit subbs kung tawagin (Sabi nila much better sa dating app).

I Posted to these reddits, I got 2 Chat mates lang.

1st guy He is really into meeting me daw, He found out my post funny daw. But later on tinanog ako if I want to have a sex with him, so sabe ko NO. Im into serious and commitment not into seks lang. He said, It is fine for him. But the next day hindi na nag reply, So I chatted him, He told me that He found a match daw, Guess what? Ka chat niya rin the same time na ka chat niya ako 😂 OPTION again! Saklap diba?

2nd Guy: Thos I feel he is good, He is older than me but for me It is not a case naman. We chatted for almost 2 to 3 days I guess. But it went downhill too, I feel like really emotional this time kase nga yung una option na naman tayo, so itong si 2nd guy possible ganun din siguro na. Yung mga replies is medyo napipilitan na lang din ako i entertain. But this time aken to, kase bland and boring ang way of convos ko like "How are you, Kumain ka na, Work mode ka?" Something like that, pasensya naman kase wala akong idea on how to sustain or initiated a convo na mag sspark ng interest sa kausap ko. I found out na din naman and I really felt it na may kausap na rin siyang iba that time na siguro mas interesting kesa sakin kaya I set him free na lang kase para di na siya ma obligate to just reply on my bland chats etc. I sent him naman with a closure message also na appreciate ko siya sobra, He is consistent din. But same I felt like an Option na naman.

Naalala ko tuloy line ni Toni Gonzaga "Bigyan ng Maraming Option! Options, Options, Options!" Aken tong Line na to 😂✌🏻

Anyways! Here is the catch as the title Says! I pursue ko pa ba or self love na lang? Hindi ko kase din pala kaya mag handle ng pain kung sa simpleng pagiging Option is masakit na sakin, How much more kaya kapag totoong relationship na diba? I also felt na baka maulit lang e.

Ano kamusta naman buhay-buhay? Advice are welcome also with the bashing. 😂✌🏻

Thank you also for reading my long post tho!