I (18M), have a very difficult chilhood, since kinder I have always been the butt of the joke and is bullied by almost all of my classmates at every turn, up until high school.

I don't know what's wrong with the elementary me, I am smart, always in the star section, though couldn't rank high in the section ranking, because there is a lot more diligent students than me, only more diligent than me because I do believe that if I have even a bit of a care to review or put effort to my works at that time I could at least rank in the top 10. So, without reviewing and putting the least bit of effort on activities and quizzes, I managed to secure my spot on the star section all throughout elementary.

This lack of enthusiasm to study is wholly attributed though to my lack of desire to even be put on the star section again and dreadingly meet the classmates I have there every day. I was bullied by the whole class for every little thing I do, just because I was 'femme', and my freaking first name which I didn't even have any freaking choice to have.

Because of my first name, when I am just walking in school minding my own business, I would be surprised that someone I didn't know from far away would just call me, then would be embarrased because I would see them and their friends just laughing so loud.

My elementary days is just a nightmare I don't ever wanna be reminded of, but that nightmare continued until high school.

Upon enrolling to a different high school, I was quite happy to finally be out of the school which spawned my nightmares. However, the happiness was short lived, because once again the school has a star section and I was in it because my grades were higher than most, and this high school was near my previous school, so of course my bullies were once again my classmates.

Disclaimer: I do not have any choice on what school I want to go to, my family is quite big, I have 3 siblings, with me being the oldest. We are poor, so my parents ought to just send us to the same nearest elementary school to save on money. Added that I never told anyone of my situation, it's very very very hard for me to talk of my struggles and would rather bottle them up on my own, just to not worry my parents, so my parents never heard my pleas to switch schools, because they thought it's just the whining of a kid being jealous of transferees, who are kind of seen as celebrities at their new schools hahaha. My High School, on the other hand was chosen by them because once again it was the nearest and all of my cousins and uncle went there, so it's tried and tested.

Well, back to my story. Being more matured, I experienced depression at grade 7 and would dread to go to school every day, so I am either late on my first class or just would not show up at all. This streak of lates and absences did not affect my high grades though, except for our first class at that time, which was solved with giving my teacher at that time a whole pad of hard copy bond paper. So, once again the cycle continued through grade 8.

Grade 8 was my darkest times, I almost fully gave up and suicidal thoughts popped up from time to time, but what could I do? No matter what I did, not pass assignments and projects, always late and does not participate in class, (my quizzes and periodic quizzes scores is still sky high, I rarely fail in those) I would still be put on the section A, just because the school does not want a section A student failing, just to maintain the reputation of the school🙄.

I never told teachers any of it though, because it wasn't even guaranteed that they would put me in other classes and if I did not succeed in getting transferred, I knew that the bullying would just intensify. I say it was not guaranteed because on section A, you are valued only based on your grades and at this time I'm at the bottom of the barrel, I knew that once I say something, sadly there's a chance they would not believe me and ask a classmate of mine if it's true, and I do not trust any of my classmates to side with me.

Luckily, i finally had a stroke of luck. On grade 9, section A would be no more and sections are now only separated alphabetically. I cried of joy when news of this came, it was the happiest moment of my high school. And unlike before the happiness continued throughout grade 9.

I was reinvigorated, my ranking in class was 3rd and the 2 ahead of me was really smart people from the previous section A, just a good addition that they are not one of the ones bullying me. I finally saw high school in a good light, and experienced a full year finally free of bullying and cured of depression.

Then COVID arrived, it is a tragedy for most but a blessing in disguise for me, I am grade 10 when ftf classes fully stopped. Though I didn't thrive in the online classes (just not my thing idk why huhu), my grades were at least maintained on the higher side.

One of the biggest things that happened on my life, which was finally accepting myself and my sexuality which is gay, finally happened on 2020. I just became tired of berating myself and stopping myself whenever someone or myself noticed I am acting feminine. It's just what I am, and I can't change it, all I can do is accept it, which is what I did. My awakening was of course hidden from my homophobic (at that time) family.

Extra Info: Yes my femininity is the main reason I realized why I am gay, however I never threw out my masculinity because it is also what I am, and my outfits and behavior which was ever changing from femininity and masculinity reflects that.

I spent the whole of pandemic, trapped in my own world, discovering myself. One of the things I have discovered was the trauma now ingrained and associated with my first name, so I don't know exactly what date haha but on 2021 I decided to throw away that name and finally go by my second name.

This decision was the best decision I made, it's like a rebirth of some kind. The moment I became grade 12 and ftf classes is back, I am not the same anymore. I am now so much more confident and so much more self assured. And using my second name helped in the way that, it reminds me that I am now a different person and the past is just that the past and is something to be left behind.

My new name just makes me do and act in a way that I could never imagine my past self could ever hope to do.

I am now living my best life, doing whatever I can to progress myself the best way I know and experiencing college without holding anything back.

The first name is still a sore spot though, once someone calls me by that name, the traumas just resurface and it makes me irritable to the person and just avoid them. If I ever get the chance, I would no doubt remove my first name from my birth certificate, so I can finally be free of it.