i (22 m) grew up in a really homophobic environment where people who dont conform to gender norms are extremely ridiculed. i remember that as a child, i would cry alone in my room because other children in our neighborhood would bully me for being gay. there are nights when i would resent myself for not being straight. due to this, i would force myself to be masculine but, still im still who i am. as a gay dude, most of my friends are girls but my circle still thinks that im straight. i would usually be paired to my closest female friend since she would be the person i would hangout with the most.

additionally, im really introverted so i dont have a lot of friends. but deep inside, i really wanna have a guy bestfriend who i can be close with. i might be gay, but i really like playing games which other guys would also love like LoL, CF, DOTA, and other MOBA games which were quite famous back then. hobbies, after all, arent dictated by your orientation. given this, most of my childhood were spent alone by me. i grew like a really awkward person who would not speak unless spoken to

this changes during my shs years since people gradually became more accepting towards the community. still, most of my friends are females and then i would still end up being partnered and teased with my closest female friend that time

come adulthood, i meet this other gay dude who i really vibe with and we became boyfriends. as my first relationship, i wasnt able to fully grasp the what and whatnots when being with your SO. sometimes he wants me to update him on things, but then i would get pissed off because i dont understand why i have to do that. i realize now that i should have been more thoughtful with how he asks me for updates. like, how he would be on the top of my chats, first thing in the morning

i used to be okay with this, having no one to talk to when i wake up

but now im not. fuck i want someone to talk to once i open my eyes, someone to rant to when something bad or unexpected happens to me, and even someone i can tell my stories that happened during the day before i sleep

i feel like hitting rock bottom, id have sex to quench the loneliness then it would hit me up again once the deed is done

i know i should stop the hoe phase before it ends me but idk