Hello, this is really a not so good time to post rants kase may exam ako tomorrow pero why not. I just can't live with this thought still inside my mind. I'm a 2nd year guy from CS and for the 1st two years here in UP, I felt alot of emotions but mostly, its more of my disappointment to even maintain a sane status in the different aspects of myself. It is actually quite funny how I deliberately deceive myself into thinking that once I'm in UP, I have developed a better social life that is far from the frustrating introverted self that I have had once in my life. Well, how could I ever argue against that?

(1) I was part of one of the earliest (if not, the earliest) friend group of my batch and I thought that it was cool and everything was finally peaking in favor of me (context: every other aspect of my life was relatively healthy, especially my acads). I thought that I have finally found the friends that I was dying to meet for many years and that no matter what happened, we'll be supporting each other and ngl, I felt that I was committed to them because I never had this before. We even joined the same organizations (well, half of us) and I believe that it was the right call because until the first month of 2022 , I thought that we are still part of a friend group but somehow it just never worked out and for the most part, I was really blaming myself. Then, I realize they started grouping with other people and some of them asked me to join their newly-found friend groups but I feel like it was never the right call; I was loyal to our group and I actually tried to at least revitalize our connections but it never worked. The last recollection I ever got from those people were the words, "You are one of the first person to ever approach me while I was entering UP." Then, they proceeded to never develop a stable friendship with me and to be frank, the feeling is now mutual.

(2) This was actually a bittersweet friend group for me, because unlike the first group, I was the one who proceeded to isolate myself. However, it was never because I did not like them but because I really want to know if they will ever approach me and they did not. For context, this was my first and only F2F friend group and it was partly due to acads. At first, it was really great because they seem to like me and well we were only three at the time. We do hang out and for the most part the tone of the friend group was really joyful and then we added more friends and to be clear I am in favor of expanding friend groups because I was doing that to the first one. However, I realize that partly, the reason why the former group faded was because we were adding new people, we were adding new folks to our privacy and yes, I was wrong but this time adding friends to this new group was okay, but then I kinda folded. Ironically, the very reason why we were even group, in the first place, will also be the reason why I progressively and optimistically isolated myself. My acads was not good at all and its not that I never knew that this was coming but it was really devastating because I was on the brink of failing and I really need a friend group to vent my emotions out. Surprise! I never actually see them as that kind of people though; I did try to at least open up to them but maybe they are uncomfortable or I'm just afraid because going back to my 1st friend group, I was really open to them and I thought that by being open to them, they would know that I see them as valuable people to me but of course they did not. Obviously, the next thing I'll do was to self-isolate because I don't know who to approach and deep inside me I was really crossing my fingers that they would ask me if I'm good. The worst part is that phase lasted for a month and I know that they might be thinking of it as me being unfriendly and selfish, I guess but to be honest I did try to come to them. In fact, I did something to even salvage my chance to still be part of the friend group that I should have never done in the first place. But I'm not throwing hate at them, it was my fault anyway.

I don't think that I'll ever be part of these friend groups ever again but then again I have nothing but respect to their choices because I would not force them to interact with me from now on.