TW - suicidal thoughts

I'm trying to move past my old pangs of sadness/regret when I think about my time in PC. I felt a brisk sting of isolation and feeling like I couldn't quite fit in with both my PCV and HCN 'friendships'. I didn't get the typical experience a lot of PCVs got in my country - for one, I never found a partner. Which, I know can sound silly, but it kinda digs into the old wounds of never being 'liked' or shown any real kindness by the opposite sex growing up and I internalized a lot.

I wasn't the typical, lily white Peace Corps Volunteer that's expected. I am black and female and definitely not what both of my villages expected. Returning post-Covid, I felt pushed aside. Even by staff. It was like being stuck on a boat with no oars in the middle of the ocean. Because I struggled with the language, I struggled with fostering real connections. I ultimately felt my mental health dip lower and lower, until I started to feel like my life didn't matter at all.

Which sucked, because I felt like PC was my last chance of finding a way out. My family, of which I'm staying with atm, is severely dysfunctional. I dream about going low or no contact every day. I grew up being raised to think that there's no point in trying to get out there in the world, that everything was just fine living in a red state with no healthcare and food stamps. If I ever dared to question it, I was questioning them.

I didn't want to come back, but I felt like I wasn't really wanted or needed and I guess that's my fault. I even felt like one of my PCV friends was bullying me a bit on/off (long story), and I felt like I had to distance myself from her.

I ran, like a coward. I couldn't face a few more months feeling so unwanted, so I'm back here, trying to pick up the pieces. Working remotely, but in secret, because if my family even finds out I have money to save - all of a sudden they need gas or groceries. It's happened before.

Lately, it's been hard for me to even think about that country. I turned off all of my social media because I don't want to see another wedding or baby announcement. I feel so tired, alone, and an absolute loser and I don't want to make myself feel worse or God forbid, let my sadness seep through my own posts.

I know this seems random to post in the PC subreddit, but I just had to let these emotions out. I burst into tears signing up for an org that helps my service country, even though there were people that just started that directly worked with the org.

Am I alone in feeling like there's unfinished business or that I missed out on what was supposed to be the hardest job I'd ever love? I don't know. I just want to stop feeling this way.