i'm not sure this is the right place for this, but idk where else to go with it. backstory: i was raised (very) atheist by my dad, who is a good person but has more than his fair share of trauma and mental health issues. he makes being "extremely cynical" his whole personality and is very vocal about seeing religion as "evil" and "ignorant" and religious people as "intellectually inferior" (i swear he's not a terrible person... he's just very cringe.) i never believed any of that shit, but i grew up hearing his rants and it definitely had an impact on me.

anyway, i've been exploring my beliefs and realised that i'm a pantheist :) it's been such a relief figuring this out, it feels like colour has rushed back into the universe for me. but at the same time i feel really ashamed and scared, like i'll be reading texts on pantheism or journalling about it and suddenly be hit by a wave of shame and self-loathing. i know it's my dad's voice in the back of my head. i feel like i "should" be cynical, i "should" be a hard atheist, i'm being "stupid" by going this way - even though it's not all that different from atheism (i see the universe and love it enough to call it god. that's all.)

i have no intention of discussing any of this with my father, and i plan on talking about it in therapy, but i was just wondering if any other ex-atheists have had similar feelings of not being "allowed" to be anything else, of being ashamed of having spiritual beliefs/mystical experiences. it's a really specific experience i haven't seen anyone else talk about - as though i'm sinning against the dogma of atheism (lmao) would be keen to hear if anyone else feels the same!