TW: Brief eating disorder discussion (but recovery too!)

So 10 years ago to the day, I was in the middle of an eating disorder. I was compulsively over exercising (fueled partly by a personal trainer at the local gym), had just run not only my first, but also my second half marathon, and I was not eating enough, all in a quest to lose weight. It was awful, and I have so much ambivalence looking back on my finisher photo of my first one because I was SO happy, but I was SO sick and no one saw it, not even me. My doctor estimates that I'd have had 6 mos of good health left, had I continued the way I was. My body was canibilizing muscle because I wasn't feeding it, and you know what's also muscle? Your heart.

I started recovery about a year later. I had to stop working out - fully stop - and it was almost a relief? But I also gained a lot of weight, and that has been so hard to live with. Eventually felt the need to work out again - not to lose weight, I do not believe in it anymore, but to engage with life the way I want to. And I know I have an athlete in me that is just trying to bust out.

I struggled with motivation, I stopped and started SO many times. About 8 mos ago, my dietitian made an absolutely pivotal recommendation to me - that I begin working with a therapist who specializes in sports psychology. And my reaction was WHY HAS NO ONE EVER SUGGESTED THIS BEFORE?! So I went out and found one, and he's been amazing. For the first time, in 9 years, I have found consistency in a workout routine at OrangeTheory that is not obsessive nor disordered. I also hired a trainer to work on some more specific physical goals - a coach from OTF. And she was on the microphone the day I finished my 50th class at OrangeTheory and I bawled my eyes out because I could not believe I accomplished that.

Fast forward to yesterday, I was in therapy discussing a little bit of ED related body image bullshit creeping up, but also some physical goals I have for myself - namely OrangeTheory's DriTri. It will be my first endurance event in 10 years (almost to the day, my last half marathon was September 2013). And my therapist asked me, "Is it time to try a run training program again?"

I noodled on that question after session and sent a voice memo to my trainer... and found myself tentatively saying I think I want to run a half marathon again. And... my trainer is a fucking treasure and I am SO lucky to have met her. She said "You know, I ran a half marathon once, and I swore I would never do it again. But if you run it, I will be there next to you." And I just started crying.

I WAS SO ALONE the last time I did this. I had a run club, but no other support. It was all on me. I was doing my best to figure out starvation nutrition to keep me going, but keep me losing weight, and I was so isolated - life was work, gym, sleep. I had no social life, because a social life involved food. Her saying that, the support, knowing she means it... holy shit.

And today, I was talking to my dietitian. I live on Pacific time, she lives in central time. I started working with her specifically a year ago because I knew she was well versed in eating disorders, but also well versed in gym culture. And she went through her own journey to reclaim running from an eating disorder. I tell her all of this and I get to the part about my trainer saying she'll do it with me, and I'm crying, and she's crying, and she's like "Well shit, I'm doing it too!" Ya'll. She is making a trip next March to the west coast to run it next to me and my trainer. I am so fucking overwhelmed with gratitude for these humans. We are going to fucking make "Team Lady0fTheUpsideDown" shirts.

Is this what love and support feels like? I've been an emotional basket case all day, just overflowing with gratitude for the people who believe in me. I haven't told my therapist what his very simple question triggered, I plan to tell him in his office next week, where I will probably just burst into tears. And low key, I'm hoping he says he'll be there to see me at the finish line if I want him to be. Not expecting it, though. He has good boundaries lol

I can taste the victory in that finish line cross next year. It's going to be such a pivotal and emotional moment and I'm going to have two women by my side who have endlessly had my back and seen me through some dark shit (include assaults). And I just... I can't even. I needed to gush. I hope this makes someone smile. Support is out there, you are worth it, go seek it out. I appreciate what OTF has given me. I'm gonna go sob for a bit now.