This is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. 7 years ago I got clean. I had one minor 3 day relapse but nothing enough to deal with withdrawals or anything. 6 months ago my husband started struggling with his mental health and we ended up relapsing. It happened so fast. On & off the needle, overdoses, kids taken by our parents.. the whole deal. We detoxed at home and it was hell. We stayed clean 2 weeks & ended up back at it. Tomorrow will be 3 weeks of using again, just sniffing it.. but I know what I’m in for with withdrawals (all the dope around here is majority some kind of fentanyl) and I don’t think I can go through it again. I am living with constant anxiety, the dope doesn’t even help with that anymore. I am tired of lying and trying to hide things that I’m sure everyone knows I’m doing. I miss my kids, I miss my husband being himself & I miss our life. We just can’t seem to kick this shit. The only detox facility here is not a place I’d really like to go.. since suboxone doesn’t work with fentanyl for like.. a week, I know I have no choice but to go through withdrawals. I’m not sure I can make it through.. the anxiety is so severe I make it a day and feel like I’m going to die from sheer panic. The lack of sleep makes me feel insane, and I cannot handle the restlessness.. like in a way I cannot explain. It’s just entirely too much. I hate myself for going back after I got through it. Last time we managed to do a successful taper so we only had 2 rough days and then it was just the lack of energy and massive depression/anxiety. But I’m struggling to get myself to ween this time. I really don’t know what to do. Inpatient sounds awful. But I’m starting to think I may not have a choice if I want to get my children back and get my life back. I’m also terrified for my marriage because my husband and I have such a solid relationship normally and I can’t imagine not being with him.. but if we can’t stay clean idk what will happen.

I feel like my whole world is crashing down around me. I can’t do withdrawals again, I just can’t. But I can’t live like this anymore either.. it’s miserable. I feel like I can’t breathe I am so anxious. I can’t make it stop, and I’m so scared. I am losing everything I love from this addiction, and I’ve lost myself and I genuinely don’t know if I can come back this time. I want help, but I’m so scared of withdrawals from fentanyl because everyone says their impossible that I can’t ask for help.

If you read all that, thanks for listening. I just needed a place to say it. I’m so close to giving up. I can’t keep living like this.