Altho i know deep down that there is always hope. Ive been half assing recovery since march 2017. Overdosed 3 times, actually more but hospitalized 3 times. Rehab 3 times. Completed a partial hospitalization also. Longest clean time was less than 30 days, no matter what I told others or maybe even posted on here.

Idk. I can't even keeptrack of the web of lies I've spun. I don't want recovery. If money wasn't an issue id be using every day. Every time I type the letter L, a tracking number from a Chinese opioid shipment from November pops up. Maybe should reset phone or keyboard at least. I'm actually typing this while balancing about 20 mg of unknown powder sold as dope on my phone screen. It's all white I doubt there's much heroin in there.

Playing it safer but not safe at all by doing tiny amounts at a time. Who knows how long I'll keep THAT up b4 I say fuck it and do a big bump. Thank God I can't hit myself or id surely be dead. I don't even know why I'm sharing this. If anybody has ever felt hopeless while trying to engage in recovery, please pm me. Actually anybody at all who wishes to talk can pm me.

Thanks for reading my eye cancer posting.