Honestly guys, I swear to you, that 15 year old me would have been in shock to here me utter those words but whenever I lost the financial aid and monthly payments just to be enrolled in school and pass with a 2.0, I realized that if I had no self control. The school I went to gave $3000 to me directly to my checkings account, plus another $1200 every month since my dad is disabled from getting hepatitis in Vietnam from, you guessed it! Fucking heroin. And guess what, my parents have warned me since middle school that our family has a history of chemical dependence. My old man has 30 years under his belt and I still didn't listen to him because I knew everything and knew my body. But yeah that first semester was just a playpen. I didn't realize what a blessing it was to have my classes paid for and have money that could turn into nods. I swear to god I didn't even show up to class after a week because fuck it I had better shit to do. And now I'm broke, all my friends are either dead or in jail, and my parents aren't getting any younger being that my dad is 66 now retired and my mother is 58 and retired, and has agoraphobia due to a stroke some years ago. whenever my dad actually found out that I blew all of my benefits and can't enroll until I pay for the classes myself and prove to the board I can have them back, I'm worried one day he's just gonna fall into that good night feeling like he influenced me somehow. I've told him many times that I didn't think I could do it just cos he did it and that curiosity had me, but fuck dude im only 18 with 2 years of addiction under my belt. I feel so fucking guilty that the potential last year's of the best, wisest, and loving parents are just going to be rained on all the time by their fear of their youngest son being a drug addict and on a path towards nothing but darkness. I'm scared guys I really am. Which brings me to the point that I no longer enjoy getting out of bed if there is no chance for me to at least get that buzz. I'm on day 3 now but I'm scared I'll never feel anything real again and I'm just dammed to a life of manipulation because that's what I did through high school. Didn't learn anything new about anything except drugs. I really don't know how I'm supposed to make a connection with anyone who is sober because for 3 years now, ever since I smoked weed, the only main thing any of my friends had in common was getting fucked up. Tldr; feel like shit for flunking out of college and can't get satisfaction from anything recreational. Feel damned to years of bottom feeding and not being missed until my neighbors smell my week dead corpse in a ghetto ass apt.