And it happened in a totally accidental way. I was at the dole's office of my EU home country and we talked about employment, detailing how much my addiction is hurting my career. I'm almost 30 and don't wanna be a bum, I decided to turn pain into passion and hustle up some spare change. Our unemployment benefits do guarantee that you won't starve but ppl like me, like us, we need a lot of money.

I also know that I will most likely not be employed by that HR lady once she sees my ghastly appearance and am amazed that what my usually well trained body turned into. Amazed and revolted I made a deal with myself and to hold myself accountable I thought of writing this down.

I have no clue how, where, when, only why I am going. Been using since a decade and now on subs,, fairly stable but still using too much coke and other substances on top. My GP gives me valium and I also dabbled with test a little. I am fucking terrified what my withdrawal will be like and I know I'll fuck up along the way, make shady deals with myself and others. I hope/know I will be out for the summer which I like but hate the idea of kicking during our cozy winter seasons here. If I go, it'll take months to pass and prep, then detox and a 3-6 months stay. I guess that is a good deal. One summer I can have a little fun and maybe hustle up some cash and spend it to my desires. My Gf supports me as well as my family from out of state support me, both knowing about the realities of my usage to various degrees. But knowing is knowing. So it's not a lie. I guess I still have some to hold me over - in theory. Been waiting on my man like Lou Reed once sang.slow down a little and tame the monkey on my back. Not like he will go away so U gotta live with it. That's what I always told everyone and to be honest I don't want to live a 100% sober life forever. I like the Idea of being California clean lol , just not being on a high dose of sub anymore. I hang with the same ppl that use and my life revolves around certain locations more than I care to admit.

I'm almost 30, look at the things I achieved during my 20s - I got my degree, sure...but my true passion was getting fucked up. Which brought me here, like many of you I considered myself semi functional user - I got my degree on opioids and other drugs but real life is different and even that one was a close call. I thought I could also live a professional life - act in a respectable manner. Which I have tried to do but - as we all - occasionally failed. I have a cleaner slate than I deserve and had a better lot in life than most and this is what I made of it, hoping I don't get to spend my 30th Birthday in a mental institution on withdrawal. Planning around that, evaluating how to give myself a pass for the summer in the eyes of the world, my loved ones and myself.