i’ve been trying to vent pretty much all night about this but keep feeling guilty and deleting it since they’re people I consider friends (i don’t know why i’m like this. something to talk about in therapy if i can get back in any time soon).

So. I’m supposed to have therapy next week but because of the way i’m scheduled at work unless somebody cancels on Tuesday I’ll miss my session and that’s not really something I can healthily do, especially with how bad my mental health has been the last few days. I’ve straight up been having intrusive thoughts about hurting myself and they’re not getting better, especially with me just trying to ignore it because i’ve been busy at work and stuff. Not to mention I’m constantly stressed out because I’m in pain both during my entire shift where I have to be on my feet and at home where i’m trying to recover. I work the next two days as well as today and don’t get another day off until the weekend. I got onboarded thinking I was going to be full-time but i’m averaging roughly 20 hours so i’m considering trying to find another job (preferably where I can sit down because at least that’s more tolerable, even if it’ll still hurt my back to a point, but my back always hurts so 🤷). I’ll probably keep working as long as I can still function without literally collapsing while I look but still, I don’t have as many options as I could because I dropped out of hs and haven’t gotten my GED yet. I’m still trying but have significantly less opportunity to do so now, that and I still don’t have my license but again, I’m trying, just time is difficult.

that being said, I also feel like such a massive fucking screw-up because I keep making simple fucking mistakes and I’m constantly getting misgendered at work and I just constantly feel like I’m going to cry these days, even if I don’t actually cry. I feel like that’s, at least partially, a symptom of stress but I literally can’t afford to do anything about it. I can’t afford to take sick time, pretty sure I have no PTO atm, or time off in general, and I can’t afford to quit either so I’m just stuck feeling like this. I lowkey wanna die so I can just fucking chill but that’s not happening, at least not while I have at least one person who still gives a shit about me, I don’t want anyone getting hurt because I was a weakling.

I feel like such a massive piece of shit for leaning on other people for support as heavily as I am as well, especially since I’m scared of leaning on people too much, scared of becoming a burden. I’ve had people lean on me solely for support before and it resulted in me getting so burnt out I eventually had to say enough was enough (I had to cut them off for other reasons but not being able to handle being somebody’s therapist at 15 certainly didn’t help) and I’m terrified of doing that to other people. I just really don’t know what to do, with therapy, with work, anything really. It feels like I can’t do much of anything that means leaving my house because if I’m not at work I’m in so much pain it’s difficult to move and can’t even really make myself get up