18 M here

First time ever writing some of my thoughts here. Recently I’ve become very disconnected with myself (mentally, spiritually, physically), my surroundings and life overall. Backstory, I didn’t have a good childhood but not the worst. I grew up with in a very poor community and never fit in with the kids in my school who had more than me and they would always choose me to pick on, for all of elementary and middle school, although for middle school I was becoming a bit annoying so I guess I deserved it then. Other past memories I locked away because they were harsh, although recently they come back to me in flashes, including a vision of me being SA by someone when i was young. I’ve never said that to anyone…

I was suicidal in 8th grade and had attempts which later took me to receiving help. All was going well until the Pandemic hit and a heartbreak/betrayal that I took too harsh, but I loved that person because I had an issue of seeking appreciation from anyone I met because I never received it as a kid. But I realized it wasn’t really something worth crying about, even if i was manipulated by them and vice versa.

I also have a thing for undermining my trauma and issues. But i have accountability and I know i wasn’t a full on victim as I was guilty of some things. I turned to substance abuse during Soph year of HS as a way to cope (around 2019). But it didn’t turn out well this year and I quit out of fear. Not only that, but as a way to overcome my issues, I turned to sex and porn. I turned into a sex addict but thankfully nothin bad has happened in that area in a physical sense (aka no STD), but I’m now relying on that pleasure to live through my days at times.

Overall I’m just lost rn. I want change and I take therapy for a starters, but I don’t know what to do with myself and I don’t have the commitment to change at times, more so I’m afraid to even express these concerns out of fear of judgement. My mind has also succumbed to this darkness but I hear myself wanting to break free. As I told someone before, my mind is used to these bad things and can’t escape easily from it. Sometimes I speak to myself out of it but my own thoughts, in the form of a voice deep in me, just tortures me with my own sins and degrades me to a point of exhaustion and borderline insanity. I wish I can just turn off that voice but it comes back whenever it wants to and causes me to hear other stuff that others can’t.

Lately, I also get frightened whenever something happens, my anxiety jumps over the roof over the littlest things now. I feel as if i’m turning insane and i have no hope left for me. I blame myself that i ruined my life and my guilt has drenched me and I’m drowning in it. So there’s that…just thought i could get that off my chest for now. Have a nice day/night and may you be at peace with yourself always.