Hey there all, just wanted to see if it’s okay that I’m feeling anxious, depressed and mentally fucked in the head from an ex partner of mine 5-6 years back and if it’s normal to effect me this many years on… I feel as though I’m in the wrong for letting this out as I have not told a soul about the extent of the abuse not even my current partner.

Many years ago I was with an ex partner we will call her Sharon [For background context this was not her real name]. So me and Sharon started up things pretty early on got close and ended up falling for one another… Both being “so in love” or what I thought “blind” I couldn’t tell the entire time that I was being help back, restricted not only but also sexually abused toward the later parts of the relationship which I didn’t think was possible as a male due to the way I seen the world back then. Little did I know ever single damn day of that relationship fucked me she even tried to go out of her way to say I was abusing her daily and I believed that I wasn’t being a nice person at the time however looking back and writing this post I can’t believe how fucked up this is. 😭

One time when her mum was out (she was out 85% of the entire time) she threatened to kill me to the extent I locked myself in the tiny bathroom jamming everything I could up against the door… I had to stay awake for over 24hr period until her mum got home as she had my phone cause she was very controlling.. at this point I was uncontrollably crying… feeling inhuman insane luckily enough her younger brother who lived a few hours away arrived and in a panic she rushed to hide the knife told me to come out and “act normal or I’ll fucking burn your hand again with my straightener… on accident” she saying that due to what I thought she accidentally burnt me months earlier “doing her hair” while I was trying to talk on the phone with my mum. Anyways so I rushed to clean up and shape up I just said I had hayfever and brushed it off…

This one of many incidents hurts me every single day and makes me think am I worthy of being a human after being treated like that…? Do I deserve to be here.. anyways am I okay? Should I get help? I thought at the time but I never did because a week later it would be something else I would have to tread on egg shells for. One memory that scars me so bad was when I was living with my mum and we had 2 weeks alone she decided to go stay at her friends and do drugs… I tried to get her to stay as it was only the second day my mother had been out of the house, but durin this altercation she grabbed my hair (I had mid length hair at the time) slammed my head into the bench repeatedly, pushed me back while sticking her leg out to trip me as I hit my head on the kitchen tiles I remember feeling dizzy and sick and had 0 feelings at all. I was crying but I couldn’t feel anything… she continued to kick me in the head with shoes on before calling me a pig and spitting on me leaving the house not to be heard from for 8 days.. 8 days later she contacted me and I picked her up and we went and lived at her mums again (due to me convincing her as I felt safer there). After that one it took me 2 weeks and lots of courage to convince myself what she’d done was the limit. Slowly I moved all my stuff out of her house and one night I never looked back. Months later I was abused online from her relatives ect. For just leaving although I can’t tell anybody about these things as I felt ashamed that it even happened so I just continued to deny it up until recent times with struggles of anxiety and depression and I finally wanna come to terms that I need to talk.

Cheers reddit. Much love ❤️