Over the course of the last 2 months, I’ve failed out of school due to my increasingly worse depression and trauma. I have pretty terrible CPTSD and am often left mentally incapacitated when reminded of childhood memories and/or my parents.

This has led to me being in a major episode of depression since spring break (early March), and mostly unable to do tasks outside of basic motor and hygiene activities. Attempting to work on anything that requires my brain power or synthesis leaves me wanting to dig a knife in my arm.

Since the beginning of my episode, my friends have been doing their best to be supportive through my attempts to recover my mental health. They try to suggest possible avenues for me to go down in terms of recovery, ways to salvage the myriad of problems I face in trying to piece together my life. I appreciate the kindness they always approach me with.

However, recently I've been getting worse in terms of my mental state. I'm slipping, or so I'd say. It's been a pretty steady progression down, with me first failing two of my classes, and then losing my job, and now being threatened with getting kicked out of my parents house. (I'm on-campus student.) I've grown increasingly more pessimistic and far less motivated to do anything.

My friends have tried to be supportive during this period, allowing me to vent to them, with them also trying to give my potential solutions, but I tend to reject their solutions due to my lack of motivation.

I think this frustrates them a little, so I eventually stopped telling them about the problems ailing me. However, this resulted in me just being a general downer whenever they talk to me, because I'm withholding everything weighing me down, and while I want to talk about it, I feel very guilty whenever I do mention something. Since it's also been a little bit, they've gotten kinda used to me being in my state of depression. I think it's partially that they just see this as being one of my "normal" states, when I'm actually in a lot of pain.

I refuse to let them know too much about how I'm feeling, because every time I've told them about what's going on in my head, they end up feeling sad about it. It's like that feeling other people get when you tell them that your mother died.

I find myself wishing that they'd just drop me and live without thinking about me. I've been thinking about ending my life recently, and whenever I bring it up and how unhappy I am in this current stage of my life, they get really concerned and stressed thinking about me. It makes me sad. I keep bringing up that I haven't been anything but a stressor to them recently, and they never deny it, but still ask me to continue living.

I just keep thinking that the more I talk to them, the more I wish they'd just accept that I'm not a friend they enjoy having around. It's probably a bit selfish of me, but I genuinely don't think they enjoy having me around in the states I seem to be stuck in. Whenever I ask them if I'm a good friend, they tell me that I'm not a bad friend, but still.

This might have less to do with them and more to do with my warped perception of how they see me, but I feel guilty being around them. I want them to have healthy friends who build them up, rather than worry them every other day.