I know at some point I won’t be able to rely on this stuff, I’m 31. I view the world as a dark place, my friends have committed sui—de or fallen into dark holes. My parents are workaholics and constantly disassociate from real life. You pay attention to the news and all you see is fighting and dread. You pay attention to your friends and all you hear about is loneliness and suffering.

At some point I decided to just smoke hella weed and take a shot or two. I would always feel happy for at least a few hours, do some meditation or study. Go exercise or hang with friends and have a drunken good time.

It’s been 3 years and another friend is dead. I realize that doing drugs keeps me sane and somewhat open to the idea that life is suffering and you must do what you can to alleviate and reckon with your personal suffering.

I know I can’t rely on this my whole life but I will say being drunk and high for 3 years straight has led to some of the most fun and deep connected relationships I’ve had in my entire life. I guess life isn’t linear and while there has been some obvious drawbacks for using, there’s been a lot of positivity.

I will have to get clean in the next few years and I know it’ll be a battle, but I just wanted to say having 3 years of drug use has been nice