I have been working 10 hour shifts, overnight and alone, walking dogs. I don't do well being alone but I need the money and am trying to transition to a job related to my field. While alone, I have thoughts about my past, how I'm a bad person, and generally clusterfucks of regrets come up.

Last night, it was the worst. I felt hollow, truly hopeless and powerless. I got food stamps recently. I got to shop with a freedom I hadn't felt for a decade, since being an adult. I'm losing how much I have. I also was originally working with a friend, but we are so short staffed he got moved to working alone the rest of the week.

I was bitter and angry. For 9 hours straight it was dogs yapping, whining, and shrieking. They'd shit in their runs, just to smear it everywhere. It's the epitome of helplessness. I feel for these creatures, yet at the same time resent their state of helplessness (the more "up" I am the more empathetic I can be). At one point I couldn't take it. One just kept jumping on me; the touch made my skin crawl. I screamed at it and pulled it off me in frustration. It whimpered in pain but I didn't care. I felt power, and sick to my stomach.

I'm seeing a coach, and recently got insurance through the state, in the process of getting a therapist now. More than anything I want to do well for people, and for creatures in general. I'm reaching my limit and I hate myself for it. I wanted to put myself in a psych unit, but then my family would struggle financially, and all the problems I have would be here again anyway.