For the past few weeks, life has not been good to me. I feel like I'm just doing everything wrong even the things that's out of my control. Everything has not gone the way I want it to.

I've been writing my college applications for the quite a while now. It's been the longest 6 months ever and as much as I would want it to end soon, I'd rather be doing anything at all than nothing, really. I like to be busy. It keeps me from letting my guard down when it comes to evading the work I should do. But back to the college applications part. Well, everything went smoothly up until 3 weeks ago. For this one application I'm doing, my counselor did not pass my recommendation letter on time— for what reason, I do not know. 2 weeks up until that point, I made a point to prepare for it the best I can because it's the most important university I'm applying for. I did everything on time and to the best of my abilities. Now, I have to deal with the fact that I might not get into the dream university I've been eyeing on for the past year because of something I didn't fail to do. This has been on my mind ever since and to think I've potentially wasted effort and money on something that I've been looking forward to all because of something that was out of my hands. When I think about it, I don't fault my counselor for not meeting the deadline. For all I know, something might've happened. I'm just disappointed that I put my all into something that ultimately will fail.

Nothing has felt to go right ever since. I ran out of my monthly allowance well before the month ends and I still have things to pay and buy. I've been nonstop doing task after task in school. I feel like I'm not running out of misfortunes anytime soon and at this point I'm just chasing them. I just want one thing to go my way. Is that too much to ask?

Normally, I'm good at holding everything under my control. In self-evaluation, I recognize my emotions well. I usually keep it together very well. But lately, I just can't catch a break. I'm on the verge of breaking and I'm just banking on the thought that these things will pass and everything will turn out better.

I know I'm not doing anything wrong. But why should it be me who has to deal with this? For the first time in a while, I feel like I've lost my grasp of the things that I should be holding on to. I feel so powerless and my agency to be productive is deteriorating and so am I.

For once, I just want to breathe without holding my breath the second I exhale.