I have a weird relationship with physical contact. I can't bring myself to ask for affection. I have a boyfriend and really close friends who will surely comply, but i just cant.

When i try, my mouth is just open, unable to process words, to just fucking say it. It's so physically painful as if i was punishing myself for just wanting.

I dont like it, makes me feel so alone. People think i dont dig personal touch for that reason and thats why they dont initiate, but i cant fucking explain because i become paralysed.

And the few times i actually get hugged when needed i just tense up and quickly break the embrace because im in public and i expressing my feelings is so anxiety-inducing.

PS: my boyfriend and i can only meet alone one a month because of college. When that happens, whe usually spend HOURS just hugging because i think we both are touch-starved.