Ever since childhood my biggest and only fear has been something bad happening to my parents. Honestly, one of the main reasons I live is because of them and I don't have plans of staying around if anything really bad happens. But at the same time I feel selfish and conflicted about this because I would be leaving the other one alone to deal with it. So sometimes I feel if it would be better to off myself while they are still relatively healthy so I don't have to see that day.

With the pandemic my anxiety about this has been through the roof. Add to the fact that my parents usually refuse to see doctors unless they are really sick, they have never had full body check-ups etc. in their life and refuse to get them. Now my dad has had high BP for who knows how long, he measured it today and it's 170 and it's sending me spiraling into bad thoughts. Atleast hes gonna see a doctor but that's still on day after tomorrow. If it were upto me I would send him right now! It's things like this that just...I don't know how to deal with it. If he could have regularly kept track of his BP this wouldn't have happened. They also have an extremely sedentary lifestyle, do not exercise and refuse to adapt any healthy habits or atleast regularly get medical checkups. I feel helpless, like a slow trainwreck is happening right in front of my eyes and I can't do anything to stop it.