I can’t break through this. Everything is constantly upsetting me, everything infuriates me, I feel like absolute garbage about my body and my humanity. I hate sharing a house with another person. I hate that I can barely even show up for my kids. I don’t have any mental room for any love or kindness or patience toward my husband and I just hold myself up so I don’t punch a wall or start talking unrelated nonsense that’s all jumbled inside of me. I can’t even talk about the things that make me upset anymore because I’m so embarrassed I’m so infantile and sensitive. I just want a break from marriage so I can sort this out. But I’m also terrified he’s going to leave me for someone happier and just.. better. I’m newly pregnant and I can’t stop crying because I am terrified of my body being ruined for good. I’m exhausted of bursting into tears every time we drive past a new breastaurant in our town because all I can think is how sad and tired and saggy and used up I am, even just at 24 years old and slim and pretty. I haven’t been able to get myself to commit to following through with regular therapy. I’m pregnant so I’m worried about medication. I even cry at the desire to want to get my boobs done after this baby, that’s I feel like I need to do that to feel attractive when no one who’s seeing me naked even appreciates or wants me. I’m sick of being “other” than every woman on this planet. I regret opening our marriage in an effort to set myself aside as a wife because all I hear is men lamenting about how stuck up their wives are. I’m sick of hearing anyone say anything about anyone else. I’m sick of evil in this world. I’m sick of hurting. Kind of sick of existing, but I don’t mean that in an unsafe way.

I’m just so tired. And so is my husband.