Almost 33F with Aspergers, here again. I've been sharing some of my posts on here (depression and mental health related subreddits mostly) with my psychologist (doc) and things got to a head with my mom and my irl best friend. I embarrassed my best friend (who is also my only real life ex-boyfriend) and tried to beat up my mom, who is old and already had her eye operated on for retinal detachment. I doubt I will see any of my real life friends again. Mom set up an appointment with the psychologist immediately, but doc knew it was gonna happen eventually because she'd seen some stuff I wrote here.

I admitted everything to my mom minus the plan to kill myself. She took away my meds anyway because she knew the risk. She kept on asking me why I'm so unhappy, why I'm looking for friendship online, why couldn't I just marry my best friend who is a guy and an atheist who doesn't even believe in marriage (while I am a Christian and a girl who still wants all that romantic marriage stuff). I tried to tell her everything then, and express how angry I am for her failing for raise me right. All the lies and not telling me I have a psychosocial condition while all I've known was a struggle to get along with other people and conform to society. To the point where I don't know what I want, and I feel physical pain when I try to express what I want. I can't even talk to people irl. I tried to hit her and she laughed at me. So I hit her until she stopped. I wanted her to apologize. Almost all of the people who've hurt me were authority figures and neurotypicals, for them everything is my fault for being different and their hands are clean. I want them to know that their hands are bloody and I want them to feel sorry and apologize. Or else they will just keep on discriminating against people that are different, and I wish I could kill them before that. Those people should be killed, or society will never realize what they're doing wrong. If there's a reason for me to be alive, it's to kill such evil people.

I told mom that I wanted to give my best friend everything when we were dating. That our relationship was already sexual and that he was the one that wouldn't go all the way for me. Guy wouldn't rent a room. Wouldn't even buy a stupid condom and try it. I let him touch me and I sucked his dick often in our house, we fooled everyone. My family thought it was a wholesome, clean relationship. No, I wanted to commit and I wanted to go all the way with him, I'd been compromising my whole life, it's not a big deal if I marry someone I don't share the same views with. But he didn't want me enough. He didn't desire me enough to do it. We dated from 2014 to 2016, broke up because he was still in love with his ex. But we didn't stop the sexual relationship until 2018 (my mom doesn't know this detail). Yes, I would have married and fucked that guy forever if he let me because that's the best that real life has to offer for me. We have very little in common and he makes fun of my spirituality but it was the best I could hope for.

But in hindsight, it's not worth it. It's not worth living this life full of lying and pretending.

We went to the doctor the next day. To avoid bullshit, we just let it all out in the same room, me, my mom, and my doctor. If it's one-on-one, I'm afraid doc would say something to appease me, and then another thing to appease mom. I won't have it. They need to know. I want to die. They accepted, but begged me please not to make it a bloody thing. There are legal issues and stuff. They talked about the spiritual aspect. How many people die all of a sudden, while some deaths were drawn out. Some people couldn't pass on until one person let go and stopped praying for them to live. So I'm screwed if people still want me to live. The doctor advised me to settle everything spiritually and tell God when I want to die. Then I will die of hunger or natural causes and my family won't get me treated or resuscitated.

My real life friends know about my hopeless situation, so they accept me dying soon. Of course the best friend won't talk to me again now that our secret's out. He'd been telling my mom that I was the one who rejected him. Maybe on some level I did, but that wasn't the whole story.

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So now I have two big problems:

1. I can't forgive the people that have hurt me. I wanna kill them. I wish I could beat up my mom very hard because it felt good to let out my anger, but at the same time I can't because I could blind her or break her bones. Specifically, I wanna kill my old bosses and the professors and administrators at the schools I was forced to withdraw from when they were the ones who provoked me into breakdown. Some even had the nerve to pretend to be my friend and then deny it and turn against me when I needed help. That's why I hate neurotypicals and authority figures, they don't let me be heard and when they do let me talk, they twist my words against me.

I wanna kill all the psychiatrists who fed me false hope and medications since 2005 that only ruined my health. I went to them for help but they made things worse and still it's my fault I didn't get better. They feel no sense of responsibility or remorse whatsoever, it's disgusting.

I hate hate hate false hope and if you aren't gonna help me directly and make it happen then you have no right to tell me to keep on living or that it will get better. Sorry but I can't take that kind of lying bullshit anymore no matter how nice that sounds. I can't be fooled anymore.

1. My internet friends won't let me die. I have one friend in particular who got suicidal herself. I'm afraid that if I die, she would follow quickly. I don't understand, she has a boyfriend and is doing well in university, she's much younger, super smart, beautiful and talented, and still has her whole life ahead of her. But apparently I'm one of few threads keeping her alive? I don't get it. This was shocking to me because I really thought she's okay, she'll be okay no matter what happens. But now she's the first to break if I go. What a mindfuck.

When I reported to my friends what my doctor and my mom had decided, they were all shocked because apparently that's very unusual for a professional to advise. "Okay, your life is indeed hopeless, you may tell God that you want to die and He will grant it once you settle all loose ends"?? But I really appreciate that they respect my belief in spirituality at least and didn't just insist that I should live because "life is always good" or whatever feel-good shit neurotypicals sell to people now.

I don't understand why my online friends can't accept it. I mean, we can't meet irl anytime soon anyway so they can't do anything to make my situation easier. Neither can I help them with anything, so why do they want me around?? I really don't get it.

If you've read this far, you're cool, thanks a bunch! Could I get your opinion especially on #2 pretty please? How can I resolve the loose ends with my friends so they would let me die in peace? I'm afraid I'll end up becoming a ghost (or zombie if I don't actually die) if I don't settle this soon. This has really gotten me down both emotionally and mentally. At first, being allowed to die gave me such a sense of relief but now it's complicated again...