The only thing that made my life bearable in the past was the idea that I will die early. I even planned to die in 2019 and that brought me great comfort. Obviously, I failed that plan so I tried to make my life bearable somehow. Well, it's not bearable now and still as meaningless and empty as before, so it's time to revisit that old plan and fix what went wrong. My budget is tighter than before, though. I have approximately 50 days to prepare so that I will be dead before the end of the year.

My friends are right in that I can't depend on others to give me a reason to live. Nobody wants to be everything in a person's life. But when I do things for myself, I don't enjoy it at all, as opposed to pouring my energies into someone special and making that person smile. Especially when I'm in love and committed to the person, I feel like I could do anything for them. I'm not allowed to burden people that way, and I know it's exhausting. I think this is what people call codependent. It's unhealthy but it's the only thing that kept me alive for so long.

I should really learn to commit to myself instead of someone else, but the only thing that gives me even a little bit of comfort now is the thought of dying. So I am committing to dying. And I'm writing this here so that I could have more motivation than before, when I didn't tell anyone and the deadline came and went.

Like my former psychiatrist said, I'll never be happy so I might as well fill my time with activities. But I don't need that much time. There aren't any activities that I like anymore. Every day is drudgery now. I can't trick myself anymore into thinking there's a place for me out there or an activity that will make me happy and not burden others. That's childish and doesn't address the main problem that I am worthless and that my life is empty and meaningless. I'm not a kid anymore, I'm almost 33. I need to be an adult and commit to this thing. It might be the only right thing that I get to do.

I hope talking about this gives me the extra push to do something for myself and enjoy it for once.