im sorry if this seems incomprehensible but im crying right now while typing

this is my second time crying this week and i haven’t cried since the start of the pandemic

i started feeling like crying because i saw that scene in amazing spiderman where the construction workers lined up all the cranes for spiderman to help him and i realized that i have always helped people with everything but really noone has done the same for me

i just want someone to do something nice for me you know? im always the one initiating conversations, asking people how they’re doing, cleaning the house because a friend of my sister’s is coming

not once has that been reciprocated

lately i’ve been feeling like im so alone even though im in a house with my family and im still in touch with my friends and girlfriend

combine that with the fact that i don’t like opening up to anyone anymore because i over share and it turns into trauma dumping and i’ve lost a really good friend because of it the only time i did it

i just want to tell someone how i really feel right now, how i’ve cried twice this week at night, all alone

and how im always putting on a funny facade when in front of somebody and the one time i tried to give a clue to my gf that ive been feeling sad, she didn’t catch it

instead im here screaming into the void hoping for faceless strangers to tell me everything’s gonna be okay... i can’t even cry out loud right now in fear of being found out

funny how i thought going back into my routine of working out would make me feel better...

i just finished working out an hour ago and i’ve been crying for an hour

i just want someone to listen to me and hug me and care for me

im so sick of being inside these four fucking walls

i want to go outside and see nature once again

i just wanna feel like someone actually cares for me

i feel like people’s perception of me is so different from when im alone, everytime i never show any sad emotion in front of anyone and always crack jokes and try to be funny and lighten the mood

i don’t even know what im typing anymore imma just listen to music

thanks for reading this bullshit

have a nice night guys :)