Hello, i really dont know if thats the right spot to put this in but its too much pressure on my chest right now. I am in psychotherapy so dont worry

for Pretext : I am in an extremely happy relationship with my partner for more than 4 years. From the get-go we talked about how we wanted to be polyamorous in the future and that this way of living seems to be the right one for us.

I am still that opinion

My Partner Found someone and fell "a bit" in love(its starting at the moment) that by itself is great.

i myself (my partner aswell for that matter) always struggled with self esteem issues. At the beginning of the relationship they got a lot better for both of us and it stayed like that until I tried to date. My partner has had success and i did not . at all.

Now i am trying to give it up (dating/trying to find other people for "more-than-platonic Stuff") but my Basal issues feel like they are completely reset, i am resenting myself extremely again, cant think anything positive about myself and am completely drowning in my own selfhatred. I would call my selfimage pretty much "Incellike", except the whole misogyny really just the self image. eventho i think its completely stupid because i am in an relationship?? Rationally i still feel the same things about the relationship but emotionally i daily and almost constantly have thoughts like "maybe my partner realizes soon how worthless i am and leaves me" " i am holding them back" - u get the jist of it. i dont know how to get rid of those thoughts, just a few minutes ago i though "maybe i should never stop wearing masks so people dont have to see my hideous face" (i was riding my bike and some person looked at my while riding by, i cant interpret it any differently at the moment, just negatively)

And to top it off i am angry at myself for not just wishing for my partner to find someone better and be happy about it if that happens. My rational Self is struggling so hard to stay in touch with a more realistic self perception but it just gets drowned in shit